life in weatherwood

I am part of the 99%

2012-02-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

He knows I love taking baths!

I've done it. I finally joined the part of the U.S. population that celebrates Valentine's day. OK, maybe fewer than 99% actually celebrate, but for the sake of not splitting hairs, let's just go with that figure. And it's not that I've never celebrated the day. I have. I've gone to bars to see shows, made dinners that I'd only make once a year, or eaten dinners like that, and I've opened up countless heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. I've just always thought of Valentine's day as the same as St. Patrick's day: amateurs' night. But for the first time, Valentine's day felt like something more. OK, that sounds cheesy. But that's my point. I've joined the 99% who view the day as a romantic way to say, "I love you."

I don't mean to sound cynical. It's not that I've never wanted to celebrate the day in a super romantic way. I'm just a poor executor. And a procrastinator. So, for me, wonderfully sweet Valentine's day ideas often become last-minute plans filled with good intentions (kind of like my Halloween costumes). But luckily, no one has ever complained. (Well, maybe I did once, years ago when I wanted flowers instead of sugar-free chocolates from Rite-Aid, but it totally wasn't worth the battle.)

This year was different. My Valentine joined the 99% with me. I guess that's how it works. He told me he's never celebrated the day, and I'm sure that's probably true, even though he was previously married for a number of years. All I can say is, he was my Valentine last year, and nope, I can't remember us doing anything. But he brings me flowers often at random times throughout the year, he makes any Sunday special with champagne and foie gras, and he fixes things up around my house! So, I can let go of one day in February, right? As long as I have the others, yes? I like to think so, but you know, nothing beats getting dressed up for a wonderful meal and an impromptu dance in the middle of your Valentine's living room. And it wasn't even the things we did that made the evening so lovely, but all of the things we've been through to get to that day. I love you, Valentine.

Off to a good start in 2012!

2012-01-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

If you've been checking in regularly, sorry, I haven't been posting. The end of the semester kept me very busy; then the girls, family, and the holidays; and now school has started up again. I don't feel as if I had much of a break from the nursing. I wanted to catch up on a few things in life, but it was just too hard.

I did get a moment to look back at my 2011. It was a pretty good year. Maybe even amazing. There were quite a few bumps, but I made it through them. Some I'm still going through, but I'm keeping a positive outlook. I'm going to try my hardest to make 2012 every bit as good as 2011. So far, I'm succeeding...

My brain is a little too slow today for me to write anything else, so I may or may not find time to write more later. I hope everyone has a wonderful, healthy, and happy new year! Bonne année!

More thoughts, a tree, and some canals

2011-11-13T02:19:00.001-08:00

The wonderful thing about southern California, aside from the weather, is that there's a lot to explore. Yep, even after living here for more than 12 years. In Venice Beach, there are these canals. They aren't the easiest to find, and for a long time, I didn't think they still existed. But they do. And along the canals, there's this overgrown tree in which someone has hung a bunch of ornate lanterns. It's a good climbing tree. And the branches span high above the walkway creating a mini arcade to walk under. It's beautiful, especially around sunset.

I was thinking about that tree in Venice because it reminds me of the one in this song, which I know I already linked to before. There's just something about it that gives me a sense of belonging. Belonging here, in L.A. of all places. It's a powerful feeling. According to Maslow, we need to feel like we belong in order to experience love, and we can't truly move forward until that need is met. When I moved out here from New York, I thought I had to belong to someone to meet that need. And after the divorce, I felt lost. So I explored different parts of L.A. until I found places that made me feel like me again. I'm sure I wrote about it here in these posts somewhere. I was starting to feel like a part of something again, which probably explains why I developed my odd love for Echo Park and other parts of the (centrally located) Eastside. They felt like me. There really is a moment when feeling lonely turns into feeling independent. It took me two years. That's when I started dating.

I was at a friend's place the other morning studying for a test later that day, and we got to talking about Maslow. We agreed that we were both stuck in the belonging stage. He moved to southern California for the same reason I did, for a person. And it didn't work out for him any more than it did for me. So here we both are in a city that we didn't really choose for ourselves. Neither of us has found love. But we are finding our way around this city, and making the most of it. My friend lives on the Westside, which gives me an excuse to explore areas I haven't visited in years. When we went to the canals, after not seeing each other for almost exactly a year, we stood under that giant tree as the sun was setting. It was quite a long moment. I had been in a relationship during the past year with someone else, whom I keep thinking I'll write about, but doubt I ever will, and all of the pain and hurt from that relationship just melted away. All of the stress from nursing school, all of the problems my friend and I had had dating in the past, all of the other problems I don't want to face in the future, all of it just sank with the sun.

Since that day, things have felt better. School still overwhelms me a bit, and I'm still worried about lots. But just as I had finally started to learn after the divorce, I don't need other people to make me feel like I belong. I do need beauty. I need inspiration. I need myself. And most of all, I need time.

Game 7

2011-10-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Trying to explain baseball to a European is like, well, trying to explain soccer to an American. I haven't had much success doing either. Go Redbirds!

Life is what it is — beautiful!

2011-10-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

That magical hour before sunset.

Not sure I have the energy to write much, but I'll try. First week of the psych rotation is done, which means a test on Monday. So far, psych seems OK. Lots of talking and communication. I should do OK with that! But I won't really know for sure until after clinicals. Will let you know then.

The construction is starting up again. The doors are in. Mostly. The floor is down. The washer and dryer are hooked up. And there are lights and a loo. That's about all I can say. It's looking pretty nice, just hope it's done by the holidays!

Girls are good. We like to watch the sunset atop Signal Hill, and we went again last Sunday. I love days like that one. Even though I never imagined myself being a single mom, some days, it all just feels right. My girls are amazing. And I like when my life feels like it's mine again. Like it's ours again.

That probably sounds like some sort of divorced woman cliché, but it's true. I was in a relationship that ended a couple of months ago, and now that I've had some distance, I can't help but feel relieved that it's over. I could have been stuck in another wrong relationship. Not much to say about it now, especially since what would have been the one year mark is just around the corner, making it something I don't want to think about at the moment. It took me a long time to finally feel as if the person were becoming a part of our lives (remember this?), which was probably for a good reason. I have already processed a lot about the relationship, but all I will say now is that it didn't work.

I don't know if I'm becoming better at dating, or just more relaxed since I'm keener to the idea of being single, but either way, I feel like I'm making strides. That being said, I should probably add that Mr. Dwell is back in my life. You know how there's always that one person you like, but you both wish you had met at a different time in your lives? Maybe things would have worked out better? Well, we're testing out that theory. But taking baby steps. Toward what, I'm not too sure. Maybe nothing, but sometimes, you just have to let things go and enjoy life. So far, that seems to be working incredibly well.

A little dynamic change is good I hope

2011-10-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

I was playing around with the template design of this site again. I thought I would give this new dynamic look a try, but I don't like it for two reasons. First, the design doesn't allow me to add all those bells and whistles along the side rail (favorite links, favorite things); and second, I can't add my own header of pictures of the girls. So the photos I love of the girls along the top are gone for now, and the link to the Shutterfly pics is also gone for now (but that's OK, because I haven't updated the site for maybe a year). I hope Blogger will get that stuff supported soon. I can always go back to the previous design, but I'm kind of liking this nice clean look (sorry, girls! I'll try to figure out a way to get your beautiful faces back, and your weekly faves in). I picked this particular design because it was the only dynamic one that had an option to display sorting by dates and labels. There are still some bugs, but check it out and let me know what you think.

The final for my current nursing rotation is on Monday. I ~~hope~~ ~~think~~ know I will get through Women's Health, but it's been difficult. Cross your fingers for me, just in case. I still have a lot of work to finish up in the next week, but I can breathe a little easier after Monday. I don't know why this rotation has been such a struggle, but no time to look back and question why. I already know part of it has been health issues, part of it has been family and child care obligations, and part of it has been distractions that just need to go away for about eight more months. But that's enough contemplation for now. I promise to fill you in on all of the good stuff later.

The girls are doing great. Sophie is getting the hang of being a first grader. She really enjoys doing activities with her Daisy troop, which is a Girl Scout troop for younger girls. And it sounds as if she is making friends with a few boys in her class. I'm going to have to find out who this Shane kid is, though, because I'm hearing his name an awful lot!

Sophie and Chloe are also enjoying their ballet class. It's fun taking them every week. Being at the dance studio reminds me of when I was little going to dance class with my sister. I hope the girls will stick with it for a while at least. Maybe not ballet, but dance in general. They aren't doing soccer this fall, which I kind of miss. But Sophie wasn't really into soccer, and Chloe is equally happy to do dance as she would soccer, so we'll see how things go. I like that they are doing something.

Chloe is really coming into her own these days. I can't believe she is one of the big kids at her preschool. I still remember her being in classroom 1 as a 2 year old and standing at the gate looking for her sister to play with on the big yard! Life goes amazingly quick when you measure it through your children's development. Chloe is actually going to be riding the school bus by herself starting next week to go to her speech class. That doesn't sit easy with me. In fact, I don't like it at all. But I have no one to help me get her to and from class to preschool, so I have to do what I have to do. It's a big step for Chloe and me, both.

OK, wish me luck on my final. Wish me luck at my doctor's appointment today. And know that I'm hoping to catch up with most of you if I get a little break before my psych rotation starts.

This much I know

2011-10-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

My mom says I let myself get hurt all the time because my heart is so honest, that when I give it to someone, he's overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do with it.

My ex-husband told me I had a cold, black heart, and that no man would ever want it.

My ex-boyfriend told me, before a 24 minute-long goodbye kiss, that my heart was so good, he wished his could be as mature.

Different interpretations, different feelings, similar outcomes.

All punctuated by tears.

A sorrowful reminder

2011-09-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Today, unfortunately, I was reminded that you can go to bed at night, only to wake up in the morning and find your entire world has been thrown into chaos. Whatever stupid shit was bothering me last night is inconsequential to the sadness I feel for the person who has to wake up to that. Friendships can sometimes be fleeting, which is why I think it's important to make the most of each one you encounter. And learn from the ones you have to let go. Hang in there, C.B.

A couple thoughts and my current song on repeat

2011-09-10T02:18:00.000-07:00

I have to take a break after sitting all day at the kitchen table writing my case study for next Thursday. I have a test on Monday, also, which I'll study for later today and Sunday.

Things are truly overwhelming right now, but I think I'm managing. Studying can be a lonely endeavor. And I made the mistake of asking the wrong person to go on a study break with me on Friday. It's funny how just one inconsiderate action can make me completely lose interest in a person. I used to think that perhaps I'm being overly sensitive or unfair. But nope. I just don't have time for excuses anymore. You either value people and their time or you don't. Sometimes friendships just have to run their course, no matter how strong they once were.

From one end to the other

2011-09-02T04:32:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I was looking at these photos that a friend of mine at Life.com took on the day of 9/11. Then I looked at the gallery of top 25 9/11 photos. Then the next gallery in the queue. And the next. And the next. All of those photos still make my heart stop.

I used to call NYC my home, and I used to walk through the passages under the towers regularly. Hard to believe how much my life has changed since then. I would have never guessed that I would be here, nearly 3,000 miles away, struggling as a divorced single mom, not sleeping for at least 56 straight hours a week as I make it through my nursing program. Wow, life is different.

I like thinking of Los Angeles as my home now. I'm raising two California girls, and I couldn't be any prouder of that fact. I'll never forget my days in New York, and I still think of myself as a New Yorker. But my life is here now. And even though it's hard to explain to my girls why their mom, who once found success in New York, is now struggling to start over from the bottom on the opposite coast, I know it will all be worth it in the end. I have to be patient with myself, because I'll make it back. And knowing that is what keeps me moving forward.

Quick, two-minute update

2011-08-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

I've been back to the books since the beginning of August, although classes didn't officially start until a couple of weeks ago. We had tons to do before the start of school, and I feel as if I didn't get nearly enough of it done.

The girls are in Cleveland at the moment. I'm up to my eyeballs in women's antepartum and postpartum assessments. Most everyone else I know not in the nursing program with me have split town to visit their families. So there isn't much to write about right now. Breaks from studying consist mainly of sleeping, cooking, eating, and running to take the edge off of all this stress. And maybe an occasional shower thrown in. But, I guess what else is there?

I'll try to post something when I get a little more time to breathe.

Why some days are more awesome than others

2011-07-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Gumball is another year older!

2011-07-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Chloe's birthday on Saturday. It was a fun party. We kept it on the smallish side, and had it at her dad's. Chloe was so happy to see everyone who came. I was happy to see everyone, too. And to see Chloe so happy. I know I mention this a lot, but I just love her fun, carefree attitude. It's infectious. And extremely adorable. Happy birthday, Gumball!

Also, earlier in the week, Aiyi, Uncle Chip, and Clyde came down for a visit. It was nice to see them. I always think about how much I miss living in the same city with my sister, especially now that we both have families. I guess in an ideal world, we would all live closer (to Amah, too). But even though we're all in different cities, I think my girls still feel close. When they make up stories, they include Clyde and his parents and Amah. I like that. It keeps them in our daily lives, more so than video chatting or phone calls. It's great how a child's imagination can beat out technology.

Ready or not, I think it's time

2011-06-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

A year ago today, I went on my first official post-divorce date with someone I met at the Dwell show. It went super well. Maybe too well. Because the four months that followed were filled with all of the romantic and neurotic underpinnings of a long-term relationship. When you're 18. In fact, the word combustible comes to mind.

But that's where I was. My dating baseline is pretty lousy. The fact that I separate my dates into "official" and "nonofficial" categories probably underscores that fact. I've been on maybe only five official first dates since hitting puberty (one was just to be nice). Mr. Dwell was number four. Obviously, I feel more comfortable going on those casual, nonofficial let's-pretend-I'm-not-really-trying-to-determine-your-boyfriend-potential-although-I-really-am kind of dates. Less stress, fewer expectations, and you can wear flip-flops. But I suppose every once in a while, a single girl needs to know whether she's still capable of securing that second date. Even when she's older than, well, let's say, 30-something+. And divorced. With two kids. And lots of baggage. From a 13-year relationship. With stats like those, reentering the dating field is kind of like going back to school to get an associate's degree after already earning a master's. Which is, um, also something I'm currently doing.

So yeah, Mr. Dwell, not a match. But an important teaching point. That short-lived relationship taught me the difference between falling for a person and falling for a relationship. We had a great time together, but I realized that he wasn't the right person for me. Or maybe I wasn't the right person for him. We connected on all sorts of levels, but it just wasn't right. Like my marriage, I felt as if we valued the relationship more than we valued each other. Not a mistake I want to make again. So I moved on, but not without the help of some super friends and family who patiently listened to me prattle on about my dating hiccups. (Thanks.)

Official date number five, um, isn't someone I want to talk about yet. But he's made me want to write this post. Not because I'm ready to put my dating life out in the open, but because it's become something important enough for me to want to somehow acknowledge. By writing about it here, in this blog that very few people read. Very, very few people. But that someday, if it's still around, my daughters may stumble upon and read (don't know how I feel about that yet, but I still have some time). And that my ex may read, and possibly use against me somehow to make my difficult life even more difficult. That's my biggest fear. But I'm hoping enough time has passed for the old wounds to heal, leaving us to think about the future instead of the past. More than three years have passed since Joe first left, and even though I experienced a lot of growing pains during that time, at least I did grow. I trust Joe has, as well.

So, I'm still trying to get the hang of this whole post-divorce dating thing. It's both a lot harder and a lot easier than dating as a single-never-been-married, childless 20-something year old. Why it's a lot harder is pretty obvious. Why it's a lot easier is because when you have little ones to think about, you develop a keener sense of whether to stay in or get out. So if you want to date a single ~~mom~~ parent, know that you're going to be put through one test after another until ~~she~~ that person trusts you enough with, not just ~~her~~ that person's heart and feelings, but with the hearts and feelings of the kids involved. The tests aren't hard, but if you fail, you fail. It's pretty straight-forward. I can't really tell you what happens if you succeed. I'm not there yet.

But I can tell you where I am. Believe it or not, after taking so many of these baby steps, I think I've finally reached the next milestone. I'm going to finally admit that someone important has stepped into my chaotic world.

Getting the hang of summer

2011-06-13T22:26:00.001-07:00

I'm back. I wasn't gone for as long as I thought I'd be. That last nursing rotation was pretty rough, but I'm happy to be done with my first year of the nursing program. And yes, I'll be back for the second. Whew! I think we lost more than a third of our original class of 60. Maybe closer to half. It was a brutal second semester.

The girls are doing well. Chloe has the summer off, so she has been spending her days with me. Sophie is still in school for another three days, but she's been out of Kids Club for the past couple of weeks. It's been nice having the two every day, albeit tiring. I think I drink more coffee just to keep up with the girls than I did to stay up and study. I had forgotten what is was like being a full-time stay-at-home mom. The month of June has been like a MasterCard commercial: Washable paints, $20; Pink play tu-tu, $10; Lunch at Polly's, $15; An afternoon playing make-believe with Gumball, priceless. We're finally getting the one-on-one time she missed out on being the second child. Although walking to pick up Sophie in the afternoon is still a highlight of our day. So far, I'd have to say this summer is off to a good start. And I almost forgot to mention our visit from Amah. She was here for about a week, which was a lot of fun. The girls and I spent Memorial Day with her and a friend going to the park for a picnic and flying kites. It was a gorgeous day, although there wasn't a lot of wind for the kites. But the girls didn't seem to mind.

Other things going on this summer include getting that playroom next to the garage finished. It seems like it's been so long, even playing in the construction site has lost its novelty for the girls. I'm just hoping it will be done at some point before the end of summer. I'd like to spend a little time enjoying the backyard before I have to start school again. And I'd like to make use of the storage space going in there. The entire space looks pretty nice so far. I'm still super excited. Hopefully I'll get around to posting pictures of the construction on Shutterfly soon.

Even though the playroom may not be finished in time, I think this summer is going to be a good one. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I don't have the money to travel anywhere with the girls, or even by myself, but there's still plenty else we can do. Plus they'll get to spend time with their dad when he's done teaching for the school year. That's a win-win-win for all of us. I'm hoping to get a little break and devote some time to the areas of my life I've been neglecting, such as cleaning out the house. I need to take inventory of everything stashed away in the cabinets and closets, and get rid of the stuff I no longer have any use for.

That's the thing about keeping the house after the divorce — I don't really get that feeling of having a fresh start. I did clean out the garage, though, with a friend's help. That felt really good. Unfortunately, the construction guys have thrown the space into chaos again, but I think it'll be better once I can claim that space back. As long as that happens before August, anyway. Until then, I plan to clean out a few closets. While it's nice to know I still fit in clothes from 10 years ago, I think it's time to give them a second life on the racks of Goodwill. I'm not sure what to do with the wedding dress, however. I don't mind passing it on to the girls someday, provided they don't actually wear it to get married. I think that would be unlucky. Same with my rings. What to do with all that stuff? Maybe that's all something to deal with next summer. I wish I had sprung for the sealed airtight box for the dress. Then I could just let the dust bunnies under the bed take care of it, along with the wedding photos. Oh well, live and learn.

On a break

2011-04-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Spring break. The girls and I all have the same week off, which works out well. We wanted to go off on an adventure, but I couldn't really afford to take them anywhere. So we've been having fun locally. Picnics, playgrounds, fountains, toy stores. And watching some men build us a playroom in the backyard. And it's already Thursday. The week has just flown by us. I tried doing a little studying, but hard to get back into nursing mode after watching the girls 24/7. Too tired at the end of the day.

I think I may take a little break from here. Not that I've been posting much anyway. I haven't been in the mood to share my feelings lately. Some things have gotten me down and I'm not sure I want to get them out in the open. Which, if you know me, means something's wrong. Ruminating isn't always the best thing to do, but sometimes, it's the only thing left.

The song in my head today

2011-04-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

Music helps keep me sane as I go through nursing with a thousand other things weighing heavy on my mind. Also, I couldn't have gotten through my divorce without it. Plus, music keeps me awake as I try to get mountains of work done.

Struggling again, but still moving forward

2011-04-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

First, to the newest 3-year-old in the family: Happy birthday, Clyde!! You know how to have a kickass conversation. I hope you enjoy your party!

Now, for the rest of what's going on.

I'm tired all of the time. I'm stressed out about getting everything done to keep my life on track. I'm ecstatic about the construction that has started on the back room. I'm worried about my health. I'm proud of my girls. And I'm scared to lose the joy that filled my days and nights and made me feel again. The next six weeks will be the toughest by far, but what choice do I have?

Hello rabbit!

2011-02-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

So the aggressive, dramatic year of the tiger is making way for the warm, cuddly, and very lucky rabbit. I'm all for that. So happy new year!! Here is to a quiet, cuddly new year filled with peace and good fortune!

Quick update

2011-02-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

Not much to add. Girls are good. Cute as ever. Sophie surprises me by how much she learns in kindergarten, including her home address, phone number, and what to do when there's an emergency (call 911). Chloe is progressing in her speech class, although she is still a little hesitant to practice her skills at home unless I'm helping her with her homework. Nursing is tough and busy. My clinical instructor scares me. Yes, she's that mean and demanding. But I guess I have to learn how to deal with all types of health care professionals. At least at the end of the day, she has positive things to say about my shift. The rest of my life is good. But I'll have to write about that later when I have more time.

Happy 2011!!

2011-01-12T19:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've been so busy I never got around to finishing that last post. So, let's just pretend like magic that I posted it back when I wrote it. And pretend that it's actually finished. Poof.

I'm swamped with schoolwork, but life so far is wonderful. The girls are sweet and fill me with joy. Second semester is scary and fills me with dread. But things will be OK if I can keep up. Saw my ma and my sister and her family over the holidays, so Christmas was good. Then some champagne brought over from Champagne to mark the new year and new beginnings. No resolutions, yet. By the end of this year, though, I hope to be three-quarters of the way done with the nursing program.

I'm also officially divorced.

What a year!

2010-12-26T14:21:00.001-08:00

Hallway bulletin board at elementary school

Last week of 2010. So far it has been a fairly successful year. The girls have adjusted pretty well to the new school schedules, and I made it through my first semester of the nursing program. Whew. I know I can't really speak for the girls, but I do feel as if this past year has brought about huge changes in our lives. I'm a different person than who I was a year ago. I've gotten my independence back. And my confidence. I guess the two go hand in hand.

There was turkey somewhere in that month that just went by

2010-12-04T10:40:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was good

It's already December and I haven't had time for an update. Life has been pretty hectic. School is going by in a blur, and I'm trying to bring it all into focus before my final next Monday. There are only two more weeks left in this semester, but that means there are only two more weeks to get everything done!

The girls are doing OK. Sophie is really getting into the Christmas spirit. Her teacher has been teaching the class Christmas songs which I hear Sophie singing everywhere she goes. It's an instant mood-lifter. Chloe is having fun with her friends at preschool. She's got that happy-go-lucky way about her that makes me smile whenever I see her, but she still has been having some trouble sleeping at night. I think I know why, so I try to just comfort her and let her know that Mommy will always be around for her. That usually comforts her back to sleep.

As for everything else, well, I'll get to it all after Dec. 16. Just know that I have a great family and some kickass friends taking care of me, so I'm really looking forward to getting a chance to spend time with them once this semester is over! Sorry I've been neglecting so many of you! And to Uncle Chip, happy birthday yesterday!!

It's already November!

2010-11-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot of time to write lately. Things have been really rough. New nursing rotation started a couple of weeks ago, and the pace feels twice as fast as the last rotation. Two weeks of pharmacology, and we are good to go (supposedly) for passing out meds on the med/surg floor. Yeah. One of the reasons I chose to be a nurse instead of, say, a doctor was because I didn't want to be responsible for killing anyone. Wow, did I have that wrong. I can kill just about anyone I pass meds to. Yikes. And learning about 100 meds in two weeks really doesn't make me feel better. But I passed all of my common meds tests so far. Let's just hope that translates well in practice, because clinicals start up again tomorrow morning at O-dark-thirty. Oy.

The girls are doing OK. They had some issues sleeping recently. Neither would sleep unless I lay with them. And I heard Chloe had a couple of accidents at preschool and her dad's. Ugh, don't know what's going on there. Anytime I ask, all I get is "not enough mommy-time." That makes me sad. I know there's more to it. I've been under a lot of stress lately, which I try not to let the girls see too much, but I'm sure they do. Chloe knows I stay up late to do homework, and she tells me I need to sleep more. I wish I could. I wish I had more time to play with the girls, too. I wish there were more hours in the evening to do more with them before they have to go to bed. Our schedules are tough, but I guess that's how it is. Things are moving in the right direction, so they'll get better in time.

I don't have any photos of the girls dressed up this year for Halloween because it was too dark for my camera phone. Sophie was an adorable cupcake again, and Gumball was cute as Snow White. I do have a few photos (like the one above) from our trip to Ma and Pa's pumpkin patch, though. I'll try to post the rest of them soon.

From the Big Top to the OR

2010-10-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

OK, a quick update on things. The girls and I have been fairly active. We did a lot these past couple of weeks, just because we had tickets for events that all happened to fall around the same time. Last weekend, we went to the Zoppé family circus. It was billed as an Italian circus with Old World charm in an intimate setting under the big top, and wow, they weren't kidding. Probably less than 200 people were there, sitting on makeshift benches of boards roped together under a tent set up in the middle of a big downtown parking lot. It was totally the type of circus you could run away to join. The girls were captivated, especially Sophie. She has been doing great in school, and Chloe has been doing great in her speech classes, which started a couple of weeks ago. So I figured it would be nice to treat them to the circus. It was a treat for me, too. And something different for us that hopefully the girls will remember.

The week before, the girls and I went to the aquarium here in Long Beach. Even though the girls can go free anytime with Joe's family's passes, Sophie told me a while ago how sad she was because I could never use them. She cried and cried because she thought she would never get to go to the aquarium with her mommy. That made me sad. So when a friend who had exactly three tickets said he was giving them away, I grabbed them. How perfect! It made Sophie so happy, even though she had just been there earlier that month. And Chloe was so excited because we could finally go look for the octopus together. "I've been waiting for you to show me the octopus, Mommy!" What can i say, she loves octopuses. We did find it, as you can see.

Also during these past couple of weeks or so, we had some soccer games and team photos, a birthday party, a playdate, and of course, Chloe started her speech lessons. It's been a super busy time! And during it, I was wrapping up my first nursing class and rotation of clinicals. I'm truly proud that I have made it this far. Not everyone did. But I made it through my first final. (Each semester is split into two rotations, so the next one, med/surg, starts immediately on Monday.)

So far, things have been OK. My last day of clinicals this rotation was in the OR unit with an interop nurse. I was pretty happy to be there. You have to be assertive and confident in the OR, so it was good for me to be assigned there to get a little practice with that. Too often nurses are thought of as being only around to help the MDs, but in reality, RNs and MDs have two separate and equally important responsibilities. So the nurse I was working with really made that clear with her presence in the OR. And she made sure I was able to participate in the ways I could as a first semester student nurse, i.e, inserting foley caths or keeping track of surgical supplies used to make sure nothing is left inside the patient. It was fun. I could see myself going into surgical nursing. But first, gotta make it through the next nine weeks. Wish me luck!!

So far, so good!

2010-09-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

First day of kindergarten pickup.

A lot of firsts have happened since labor day. The biggest was Sophie starting kindergarten last week. I couldn't go with her on her first day because I was in the middle of lab, but her dad and his mom went with her. I picked her up afterward, and from the big smile on her face, I could tell she had a good time. She was really excited to show me everything, especially the monkey bars on the playground. Later that week, the two of us planted a geranium in the kindergarten flower bed outside her classroom window. I keep meaning to check on it. Apparently last year's kindergarten flowers all died, so I hope this year's flowers prove to be a bit hardier.

This week, Sophie also started Kids Club, which she had been looking forward to ever since we took a little tour of it in August. It's basically a before-school/after-school place where she can have a snack, do some arts and craft activities focused on learning stuff like the alphabet, watch a movie, stuff like that. There are seven others from her classroom there with her, and seven from the other kindergarten classroom, so she's been making some friends. I'm glad she likes going, because having it as a child care option is really helpful. Particularly in the mornings since i have to be at school or at the VA hospital pretty early in the morning.

That's another first. Today was my first day of clinicals at the VA. No patients yet, just orientation. It was fun, sort of. Hard to believe I will be responsible for patient care starting Wednesday. It's kind of intimidating because even though my title is student nurse, I see myself as mostly student, not too much nurse. But everyone in my clinical group feels the same, so that's comforting. We're all in this together!

Last Saturday was also Sophie's first soccer game this season. She actually touched the ball a couple times. I think she still doesn't have much interest, but she likes going. That's what's important I think. The skills will come later, as long as she keeps enjoying herself. Apparently at practice, Chloe participates on the practice squad, and I think she really likes that. She wants to be like her big sister. I think that's adorable. I always looked up to my big sister and wanted to be like her, so I understand.

Chloe hasn't been up to much new these past couple of weeks. She's been getting dropped off early at preschool though. She seems OK. Maybe still in sleepy mode. She surprised everyone one day when I dropped her off at the regular time, and she cried and wouldn't let go of me. That was the first time teachers could remember her doing that. I had a hunch it was because I hadn't seen her for two days over the weekend. Normally that would have been OK, but I see the girls so much less now since I'm usually on campus all day. Both girls complained about not getting enough mommy time. I tried to explain that I'm at school like they are, but it's tough. Chloe did bounce back to her normal cheerful self the next day according to her teachers, so I think things are going to be OK. When I can, I go visit her between classes, and volunteer an hour at the school. That seems to make her feel pretty special. And me, too, since she likes to announce to everyone, "My mommy is here!"

So that's kind of it. I'm sure lots more happened, but the weeks have been so busy and are going by so quickly, it's hard to remember everything. I worried all summer how the girls and I would adjust to all the new changes this fall, and so far, we're doing great. I'm so proud of the girls. And I'm proud of myself. Even when there are setbacks (and there have been), I just do what I need to do, and we get by. This may be one of the hardest times for me, but I feel good. So just think how great it will be when we make it through all this!

A year of photos and a bonus video

2010-09-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

Got Shutterfly caught up. Added six albums of photos from some soccer ones of Sophie in September 2009 to Chloe bustin' a move at preschool just last week. Click on this link to check them out. And sorry it's taken me so long to add them. To make it up to you faithful readers, I'm posting this video of Sophie playing on her last day of preschool. I think it's pretty good, although it's not the best quality and it's kind of shaky. But wait until the end, after I drop ~~my phone~~ the camera. Seriously, you'll be impressed.

Happy Labor Day!

2010-09-06T02:18:00.000-07:00

Went to a friend's luau on Sunday, and it was quite a bit of fun. I didn't have the girls with me since they are with their dad this weekend, so I was free to mix and mingle with all the other parents there. As much as I love having the girls with me, I have to admit, being by myself was nice, too. There are some advantages to going solo, such as not having to hold on to two half-drunk juice boxes throughout the entire party.

The luau was a nice end-of-summer break. My other plans this labor day weekend are to study for a math test, write a nursing theory paper, and take care of all the things I've been neglecting these past three weeks. The first two, I feel good about, but I may not get to that third part. I'm going to try, though. That's the thing about keeping up in school, the rest of my life sort of falls behind. Having this long weekend helps. But sadly, I think I've developed a wicked cough, which seemed to have come from nowhere. I have to make sure I get some rest in addition to everything else. I wouldn't normally think that would be too hard, but my schedule is a little crazy. I wake up early every morning, and stay up late every night. Not good. Sleeping in to me is getting up with the girls at 0730. I look forward to those days because I can relax and just get the girls ready for their day. Funny. Those days used to be stressful to me, but now they are the mornings I look forward to! But Sophie hasn't started kindergarten yet (not until Wednesday), so we'll see how that goes. I am grateful that the girls' dad will be helping out in the mornings and taking care of them on days I have my classes. That helps me out a lot, especially in terms of stress. I can focus on what I need to do for class, and make sure I get there on time. Plus, it's nice to not have the burden on me all the time to care for the girls.

So other than the tough sleep schedule, things are going pretty well. Like I told a friend the other day, I'm finding a good rhythm. And if new things come at me slowly enough, I think I can add them without messing up that flow. (Although finding time to take in the car for that $3000 hybrid battery replacement is near impossible right now.) It makes me feel good knowing I can make all of this work. My clinical advisor, who is great, was impressed at how organized I've been these first few weeks of school (if you know me, "organized" probably isn't the first word that comes to mind!), and her words of encouragement have been helpful. Every scrap of support I can gather goes a long way. When the girls ask me to position them with pillows to relieve their pressure points, or when a friend lets me count his apical pulse or take a blood pressure reading, I feel motivated and thrilled about what I'm doing. Things really do feel good now. Amazing what happens when you take life a day at a time.

OK, maybe more later. Right now it's bedtime. Sorry for these 10-minute rambling thoughts. My brain is tired. My body is tired. But at least my determination is fired up.

Taking a 10 minute break...

2010-08-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

Too busy to write much of anything, and too tired to post it anyway. Nursing program has started and so far it is tough. A lot of time, a lot of studying, a lot to organize and keep track of. I feel like I have all these plates that I'm spinning, and I have to keep them going so they don't come crashing down. Every time I sort of get a rhythm down, though, more plates get added. In addition to school and the girls, which is plenty enough already, i have preschool volunteer hours to fill, kindergarten to get ready for, home repairs that need addressing, soccer practice, scheduling sitters, VA clearance, fitness class, divorce stuff, car repairs, and making time for people who are special enough to get an hour or two of my time here and there. That's a lot of plates. So far they are all still up and spinning, but it's only been a week and a half. How it's all going to work out, I don't know, but it all will, because it all has to.

Figuring things out

2010-08-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

OK, I know there are a lot of things in life that I am scared of (which apparently includes ending a sentence with a preposition). One fear I have is swimming, or rather not swimming. I want to swim, but sometimes I can't get over that (literal) sinking feeling I get when I just can't pull myself back up to the surface of the water. Maybe I just need to accept that feeling, so my basic survival instincts will kick in, allowing me to propel myself upward to break the surface? I don't know, which is probably the biggest obstacle in my way. Not knowing what will happen if I give in to my fear.

I mentioned last time what a good month July was. It was really nice. I loved the time I spent with the girls, but I also made time for myself, which hardly seemed possible since the girls' dad was away on vacation for a long chunk of time. But I figured something out. I think I often use the girls as an excuse to not do things I want to do. I'm sure I do that. I don't mean things like going to IKEA or taking the car in for a checkup. I mean giving myself permission to step out of my role as mommy and not feel nervous or guilty. All of you moms out there know how important that is to be a good parent. I know it, but it's tough to do, particularly when you are a single mom. But that's what made last month so fantastic. I took the time to NOT be a mom and enjoy just being me. And I didn't feel at all guilty.

One of the things I've often done in the past was mother people who already have mothers. In other words, I cared about stuff that I shouldn't have cared about (take that, preposition police!). When most of my time is spent taking care of the girls, I'm left with little time for anything else. I've tended to give that time to others instead of myself. I rearranged my schedule so other people could avoid driving during rush-hour traffic, I put off making plans for myself until I could be sure they fit with other people's, I made other people's decisions work, even though I didn't particularly care for them. Well, none of those things are wrong on an individual basis, but all together they are a sign of trouble: codependency. I mean, why do I need to bother myself with other people's concerns? I'm not advocating being flat-out selfish, here, I'm just saying I need to do what I want and let others decide for themselves what they want to do. And do you know what I've learned doing this (which was easy when I was watching the girls so much this month)? That there are people willing to drive during the worst traffic times to see me, that there are people willing to change their schedules to work with mine, and that not everyone is married to first decisions. Wow. Imagine that. I can look out for myself, and people still like me! What a relief!

I've often given up so much of who I am putting other people's concerns above my own. I felt guilty, otherwise. Or afraid. And certainly resentful. But I see how doing that just hurts myself and sucks me into codependency, which is destructive in a relationship. I'm happy I can recognize and understand this now. Something so basic, but beyond my grasp for so many years. And the funny thing is, with the girls, I know I can't let them have their way all the time. So I set boundaries and pick my battles. And when things don't go their way, they sometimes tell me they don't like me. That's OK, because I know they do. I'm their mom. Our bond is rock solid. And my job is to teach them how to eventually deal with things for themselves, right? So ironically, that model of being a mom to my girls is the same one I need to stop being a mom to everyone else. To feel secure enough to let others take care of themselves so I can take care of myself. Right? Duh! But it's a huge step for me.

One of the things that made divorce so scary for me was the worry that I would unwittingly repeat the same mistakes going into a new relationship. Even though all relationships are different, not understanding my habits seemed to spell certain doom. If you read this site regularly, you probably know how scared I've felt about dating. So I've hidden behind my role as a busy mom, which is safe, but not always comforting, to avoid the whole idea of it. Well luckily, through the patience, humor, tact, and care of wonderful people, I'm beginning to understand and label my issues. Putting a name to something makes it so much easier to accept and deal with. I can see the likely trajectory caused by my habits, and I can do something to stop it from going in the wrong direction (hopefully). So I don't have to be afraid and resort to being only a mom. I can just be me or I can explore new relationships, and I feel comfortable, even though I don't know what will happen. I think I'm finally ready. And it feels great.

Sleepy update before bedtime

2010-07-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like writing much, even though it's been an eventful month. The girls and I spent nearly three weeks together, just the three of us, and it was great. We celebrated Chloe's third birthday, and gave her a party, which she was so excited about. It was the first time the party was for her. The decorations were for her, the piñata was for her, the gifts were for her. She was so happy, and she deserved to feel special. Even her cousin Clyde came down for the occasion. In fact, coming down for her party was one of the best treats Uncle Chip and Aiyi could have given her. She was so happy when she learned that they would be here just for her party. She's really taken a liking to Clyde. The only unfortunate thing about the party was that I was so busy, I didn't take a single picture. But I will remember it all the same.

I have a lot of other stuff on my mind, but I don't feel like sharing the details right now. I once told a friend how you can never imagine how much better things can be until you move on. That's how I feel. I am amazed at how incredible things are now. They aren't perfect (nothing is, right?), but they are better. Even when I have to take a step backward, I end up two steps ahead. Things are finally coming together...(I hope).

Happy birthday, gumball!!

2010-07-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

Tried to upload a video, but couldn't get it to pop in. Maybe I'll try again later. But for now, just a pic of our birthday cutie. She decorated her own cupcake, and judging from the chocolate on her face, already had a taste of it.

Thank you for reading

2010-06-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

I like the idea of keeping this blog going, but to be truthful, I'm not sure it serves a point anymore. Does anyone still want to read about what's going on with the girls and me? Perhaps not. Hard to tell when you're writing in a vacuum. I suppose my life is not that interesting once you get the gist of it. Divorce is pretty much a boring cliché for anyone not personally touched by it. And the girls, well, they are cute and a lot of fun, but pictures could probably convey that as well as any of the words I write here.

In the beginning, I started this site as a way to stay connected with family and friends during a time when breastfeeding and changing diapers occupied most of my prime socializing hours. After roughly two and a half years, I can honestly say it didn't work. For me anyway. Maybe it's helped other people (has it?), but nothing makes me feel more disconnected than a one-way conversation. After a while, to help me deal with the separation, I started using the site to work out some of the stuff in my head that was just too awkward to talk about in person. Unfortunately, my issues were sometimes entangled in other people's, so for the sake of protecting the anonymous, I kept most of the revealing (and probably interesting) details in my head, leaving little more than a bunch of vague, irrelevant ponderings written on the screen. Not really the best way to reach out to others. So now what?

I suppose I will continue typing out these words, even though they probably only mean something to me. If nothing else, I'll at least have a neat little record of the girls' early days. I suppose that could be the point of this now. I can tell you about Sophie's first visit to the eye doctor (she did great, especially when the doctor put drops in her eyes to dilate her pupils), although maybe this picture here, despite being blurry, provides enough information. She's a little far-sighted, but the doctor says she won't be needing glasses just yet. I'm really hoping she didn't inherit my eyesight.

Chloe, after being sick and missing nearly a week of preschool, is back, but experiencing a touch of separation anxiety. I guess you can't really tell that from this picture of her here, showing me around her classroom. She's OK when I leave her, but the other day when I was volunteering in Sophie's classroom, I caught a glance of her on the playground crying for me. It's tough seeing her cry. She can be a very emotional child. But I think that's a good thing. It's healthy. I'm glad she feels safe expressing her emotions around me. It doesn't always make life easy, but it does make life real. And the sooner we learn to cope with reality, the better off we probably are, right? At least that's what's been keeping me going.

PS. The girls love making the list of their favorite things. So I thought maybe it would be nice to remember what they said each week. So here goes, last week's lists in no particular order. Sophie: her friends, King car, blueberries, Chloe, and Cars the movie. Chloe's list: blueberries, The Wiggles, Mommy and Daddy, Curioso, and Zoboomafoo. Mine: The girls, Vietnamese iced coffee, Oranje and this handy schedule, Google maps, and This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper. (Good thing I am writing this stuff down, because it actually took me a very long time to remember all of it!)

Something new

2010-06-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

Added a little bonus down the sidebar for my readers who visit. Sort of our week in a nutshell, which hopefully will be easier to update, especially in the fall when our lives get even busier. Plus, it's fun to see what the girls are thinking about. Hope you enjoy the recent changes.

The magical power of friends, clouds, and socks with toes

2010-06-12T00:31:00.000-07:00

The past eight or nine days have been pretty good. I took the car in to the dealer last week because a few service lights had come on that weren't supposed to. I had been putting the task off because I'd have to bring the girls with me, but that actually wasn't much of a hassle. Sophie went dressed as a ladybug, and Chloe started off as a dragon, but at the last minute opted to ditch her costume because the head kept getting in her way. So it was sort of fun, and the car was fixed. For free. And the service guy, who was sweet as pie, also fixed the car's front bumper, which had come loose. Also for free. I did have to take the car in twice because the work took more than a day to finish, but when I picked up the car the second day, it was shiny clean. So another task crossed off the list. Hooray!

Also last week, I got out of Long Beach for a day, and walked around the Eastside up in L.A. I had lunch by myself at this cute little restaurant and kind of felt as if I were back in Brooklyn. Later that day, I picked up the girls from preschool, and we had free doughnuts (thanks to National Doughnut Day) before playing superhero in a grassy patch behind the doughnut shop. It was a beautiful day, but then most days out here are, at least weather-wise.

I think what made my past week so good was that I spent time with friends. I know I complain a lot about not having many out here, but the ones I have are THE best. They pick me up when I need them the most (quite literally when I had to go get my car), and they help me remember who I am. Sometimes it's hard for me to ask for help because I don't always know how, but I have amazing friends who make it easy. I don't think many of them realize how much they help me through stressful times. And yeah, I know I've said all of that stuff before, but if there's one thing I've learned these past couple of years, it is to not take anything or anyone for granted.

The girls have spent the past week taking turns being slightly sick with periodic fevers. There was a good day, though, when both were feeling well enough for us to go to the beach. And Sophie found a way to fight off the blahs when she stumbled across some old socks in my dresser drawer. But poor Chloe, in addition to feeling sick, has also been going through a bit of separation anxiety. She has been refusing to ever let me leave her side. She's been wanting me to hold her all of the time, which I admit, feels really nice, but it also makes doing things like making lunch or picking up around the house kind of difficult. I'm not sure what triggered this latest bout of pro-mommy sentiment, so I'm thinking maybe it's because she hasn't been feeling too well lately, and she just needs some extra comforting. Hopefully she and Sophie will start feeling better soon.

Last thing I want to mention is what I'm sure you've already noticed. I changed things a bit around here. (Yeah, I didn't spend too much time on that header, as you could probably tell, but maybe I'll fix it later.) I picked clouds because when I was thinking recently about a friend living in big sky Montana, I remembered a time during college when I was practically obsessed with learning all about clouds (and also Montana). There's something very peaceful and relaxing about them. I also remember driving out west from New York and seeing these big puffy clouds across the skies of New Mexico and Arizona. Looking up at them, I realized I was at a point in my life when something radical was about to change. Kind of like now.

A little TV and froyo is good for the soul

2010-05-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have a little time to write this morning, but not really the desire. It's a beautiful day here (again), and I need to cut the grass in the backyard. The girls are with their dad this weekend, so I probably should get done as much as I can. I already spent the first two days of my weekend catching up on a couple of tv shows (hooray for free Showtime on Demand!). I rarely watch tv, so six hours of Weeds felt a bit indulgent. But probably something my brain needed.

Last weekend, my sister and her family came down for a visit. We discovered the frozen yogurt chain Yogurtland, which delighted the girls very much. I was thrilled to see the girls get along with their cousin, Clyde. Watching kids play, especially ones I love as much as I do those three, is definitely one of the beautiful things in life. I wish we all lived closer.

More next time.

Getting ready and seeing the truth

2010-05-15T20:48:00.001-07:00

The girls are away this weekend, and more than anything, I miss them. Sophie has been running temps in the 104 range (yes, I figured out how to switch my thermometer from Celsius to Farenheit), and I'm quite worried about her. The good news is that she is all clear with her kindergarten shots, although we have to go back to the doctor's on Monday morning to pick up her vaccination card and have her TB test read. At least that will be one summer task out of the way. I just hope her fever breaks before then.

Because Sophie and I are both starting new school programs, we share a number of tasks to do over the summer. (I'll be having my TB test and vaccination titers checked later this week.) It's kind of cute to have shared experiences. I feel as if we're preparing for an adventure together. Chloe sometimes feels a little left out, asking things like, "am I gonna get kindergarten shots, too?" The truth is, she is starting something new, too. She'll be going to preschool by herself. That may not seem like a big step, but I think it will be. I remember always wanting to be with my older sister (and brother) when I was little. So all three of us are beginning something new. I think that is just what we need as we continue to move forward.

On Thursday, the family was involved in a car incident. I was not driving, and the girls were not physically hurt. But it was a pretty big eye-opener, at least for me. It made me stop and really think, just as the brain hemorrhage had. Scary things will do that, I guess. Anyway, I realize now how much I was holding on to the past. Lots of people saw it, and some of them even told me. But I suppose I had to see it for myself (and feel it for myself because my body is in quite a bit of pain from the car incident). The past is absolutely 100% irretrievably gone (yes, I know that's redundant). In fact, the past wasn't even what I thought it was, so maybe it's not really gone, but was never there in the first place. So time to let go of the vitriolic people who never deserved my love and attention anyway. I gave them too much credit.

Divorces are often compared to deaths, and I would have to agree. For the longest time, I had been in some sort of denial about the relationship I had with my ex, without even realizing it. I was like a widow unwilling to clean out her dead spouse's closets. I was holding on to some sort of false idea of what my marriage was. It's almost ridiculous when I look at it now. Unfortunately, like in death, there's a grieving process. I think I'm hitting that stage now. But that's a good thing; it's progress. I can finally shed myself of that make-believe life I was living.

Finally fixed that towel bar

2010-04-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

Hooray! Today I took the time to go to Home Depot, pick up some drywall anchors, and fix the towel bar in the bathroom. OK, that's not something that merits a whole post, but it was a task I had put off for nearly two years (more or less, I really hadn't kept track). Now, after just 20 minutes of labor, the girls can tug all they want on the bath towels, and I don't have to worry about the bar coming down. Yay! And as a bonus, I feel great because I was able to cross that task off the To Do list.

There are so many things around the house that need taking care of. Some need to wait until I'm financially capable of taking care of them, but others are simple things like that towel bar. I just need to do them. When I let them go too long, I feel overwhelmed. But if I take care of just one task, it starts a chain reaction, and I get two or three of them done. (Today, I also submitted a few paragraphs I wrote to the Nursing Student Association for a long-shot chance at winning a free set of school uniform scrubs, as well as called about before- and after-school childcare for Sophie in the fall. Not bad, huh?)

I know this may seem silly, but it makes me feel happy to get all that stuff done, which is kind of a new feeling for me. Before, I used to feel obligated to do stuff like minor home repairs, and when I did, I just felt as if I should have gotten them done sooner. I felt I was doing tasks for other people, not myself, so doing them became more onerous than it should have. The key, I've found, to tackling these tasks now, is to forgive myself for taking so long to do them. And I'm doing them for me, which makes me happy. Sure I could have had that towel bar fixed a long time ago, but you know what? It's fixed now. Sorry to all of my house guests who had nowhere to hang their towels.

It's not that I didn't want to take care of, say, the towel bar, it's just that these past two years, I haven't really had time to worry about much other than the girls, school, and making sure the mortgage and bills were paid. In many ways, that was a good thing. I was forced to focus on the important stuff. Now that life is feeling more settled with me getting ready for the nursing program, Sophie getting ready for kindergarten, and Chloe, well, just being Chloe, I have time to breath a little. I can take care of some of the ignored tasks around the house. And I can spend a little time taking care of myself.

A little look back and a big look forward

2010-04-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy, I'm still sick, and a lot has been going on. Also, I share most of the girls' and my important (and not so important) daily details through facebook, which makes me feel less guilty for these long pauses between posts since many of you are connected to me that way. It also explains why I have been writing less on the comings and goings of our daily lives and more on my feelings about them. So for those not privy to what I share on facebook, I hope you are able to catch up here, albeit a couple of weeks later in some cases. And to those who are privy, I apologize for the redundancy.

First, in case you are wondering, I did get accepted into the nursing program. I was slow to tell anyone, mostly because the letter I received from the department in March never came out and said I was accepted, or even provisionally accepted, so I just assumed it was a letter that went out to all of the applicants. Apparently not. Also, I needed to take and pass the standardized test most nursing programs require applicants to take before being accepted. I think my program only administers the test to provisionally accepted applicants, which means the costs of taking the test and reporting the scores are waived, but you only have a week or two to take the test. Not thinking I would hear from the department before May, I didn't even look up the test to see what type of information it tested for. And I didn't have much time to study for it, which made me panic a little right before the test (and a little during it)...but I passed. So, hooray, another big step forward.

Next, Sophie had surgery two weeks ago to remove an extra tooth in her mouth between her baby teeth and permanent teeth. It went well, although seeing her wake up from the general anesthesia was a bit tough on me. She was in a semi-awake, semi-asleep state, and was very confused and scared. So I held her. I held her and watched her the same way I did when she was a baby with a very high fever. We spent the rest of the day after her surgery hanging out while Joe watched Chloe. I chopped up veggies to make vegetable soup with her; we made angels from straws, string, and colored paper; we lazed around on the bed reading books; and we made up stories to tell each other with clouds and rainbows she drew, cut out, and taped together. The next day, since the surgeon said to keep Sophie home, we dropped Chloe off at preschool, and did it all again. This time, it was Sophie thinking back. As she remarked, it was very nice to spend time with just the two of us again. More than anything in the world, she said, she misses the time when it was just the two of us spending all day together.

I often spend a lot of time justifying the fact that I'm a single, stay-at-home mom. The truth is, if Joe and I were still together, staying at home with the girls probably wouldn't be an issue (well, not an overt issue, anyway). After we split, though, it became a big issue, to put it nicely. I have gone through every last dime of my savings to keep my girls' lives as happy and as stable as possible, which means being with them during these early years. It's not as easy as some people think. But I don't care about convincing those people, I simply care about keeping my head above water to care for the girls. I don't complain about my struggles. I don't act or feel entitled to anything. I don't rely on others without pitching in all I can. I'm proud of how I've been able to scrape by to personally take care of the girls. There's no shame in that. Someday these difficult days will be gone (I hope), but the memories of spending this time with the girls, and helping them through some of the scary and confusing parts of their lives, will always be with me. And hopefully with the girls, too.

Sophie, who has always been one of my biggest supporters about the nursing program, now gets dejected when it's mentioned because she says it means I will be spending more time at school and less with her. She isn't happy that I will eventually be going back to work. I tell her that she will be starting kindergarten in the fall, and that she and I will both be starting something new together, but that brings her little solace. Especially after our wonderful two days together after her surgery. (Chloe still doesn't realize what these upcoming changes might mean; she still wonders why she can't be my shadow every minute of every day.)

It does make me sad knowing there are big changes the girls and I will have to adapt to in the fall, but they are good changes. And learning to adapt is an important part of life. That's hard to explain to a glum 5-year-old. I knew I would be returning to work someday, but unfortunately, Sophie didn't. Even if she did, how could she have understood what that meant? These days with the girls are special to all three of us. I know I am giving the girls the best start I can, and they know they mean the world to me. I never have to justify to them why I have stayed at home to take care of them. To them, I am not a single, stay-at-home mom with all the negative connotations somebody has chosen to place on that description. No, to them, I am a kick-ass, single, stay-at-home mom doing a good job, and you know what? Their opinion is what matters most to me.

There was a point in here somewhere...

2010-04-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the birthday party of one of Sophie's preschool friends. Sophie was SO excited about it. Not because of the party itself, but because it was a particular person's party. A particular boy.

Now, if you know Sophie, you know that she does not consider anyone who is a boy her friend. Sorry, guys, that's just how it is. Her dad can be an exception, but she says that depends on her mood. This boy, however, seems to be an exception, too. Which makes you wonder how he managed to cross that gender barrier. If you ask Sophie about it, she just says this kid is different from the other boys. OK, that's a good enough reason from her. But what's so different I wonder? Why him? I don't think Sophie really knows. I guess that's to be expected. I don't always know the answers to those questions, and I'm 30-something. Sophie is a newly turned 5 year-old. I mean, really, if we knew those answers, life would be a whole lot easier.

Last month, I saw this video about the science of attraction. Wouldn't it be great if we could somehow manipulate who we were attracted to or not attracted to? I think we can control quite a few general factors, resume stuff such as appearance or common interests, but what leads to that extra spark? That extra something that makes you feel one way toward a particular person and not another?

Dopamine. At least that's the physiological answer. And experience. As we move forward through life, we learn what it is we like in a partner or don't like. Makes sense. Now I'm not saying Sophie is in love or anything. Of course she isn't. But is she already starting to form her "map"? This particular boy is a maybe less than average height, blond, surfer-haired dude. I think that may spell trouble when Sophie gets older. But he's also very sweet and smart. (He can read. Seriously, not just simple words, but anything you put in front of him, within reason. He's 5.) So who knows which of those things makes Sophie see him differently?

As I start making baby steps back into the world of being socially connected (yes, that is my way of saying dating, which is a word I can barely stammer out because, like I said, baby steps), I'm beginning to make sense of my own map. Unfortunately it often works against me. I can't shake certain things (or people) out of my head any more than I can put others in. Of course, I don't mean my ex. After nearly two years of separation, I only see him as the father of our kids. But what I'm cryptically trying to get out is (something that may be equally as cryptic) the wrong people seem to have the qualities I like the most. (You can guess why they are wrong, because I'm not going to tell you, but the reasons aren't shallow.) So I find myself getting a bit discouraged about this whole "dating" thing.

As many people have said to me, I think too much about it all. I do. I know that. But if I don't think as much as I do, I'm pretty sure my heart would get me into a big mess. I'm trying hard to keep that from happening. And so far, I've been somewhat successful. But as I get older, who knows? Shoot, I'm sure this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, so I apologize. Maybe the point I was trying to make is one I no longer want to make. I suppose some things are probably better to save for that hole in the ground. Or tree. Or mountain.

So maybe just ignore this post. Hopefully I'll have something better next time. And incidentally, the boy Sophie is friends with will be moving to Oregon in a couple of months, which is a little sad, especially since his younger sister has become Chloe's newest friend at preschool. Chloe is slow to warm up to most of the kids in her classroom, so it was nice to see the two girls hit it off. The four kids together is kind of cute. Oh well, I guess that is one of the hard parts of life. And it probably makes me feel sadder than it does any of the kids. But then, I tend to put a lot of stock into relationships.

Writing to fix what's broken

2010-03-07T10:23:00.000-08:00

I recently helped with a poetry workshop for junior high and high school kids. It was about finding your voice and claiming it through spoken word, which is not the easiest thing for a beginning writer to do. It involves lots of raw writing mixed with plenty of sharing. The raw writing usually isn't a problem, it's the sharing. So the helpers had to participate in the workshop exercises, too, to encourage the younger writers. I loved it!

After neglecting my writing for so long, two days of putting thoughts to paper and sharing them felt great. A little scary, but hey, it was a workshop for kids, and I didn't know anyone there. And how often do you get the chance to hear your deepest thoughts out loud? Spoken to a captive audience making positive comments about what you say? It felt indecent, in a good way. (Incidently, Beau Sia ran the workshop, and I didn't know who he was either. But I probably should have if my memory were a little better. You can watch him on YouTube, if you're curious.)

So what I was surprised to learn during the workshop was that my voice hasn't changed much. Even though so much in my life has. I have so much going on, so many different things to write about, so many new feelings, yet the tone and my themes were still the same. Just framed differently within my new life. What a relief! I thought for sure anger or bitterness would seep into my 15-minute free verse writing, but they didn't. They have, I've noticed, come back into my daily routine, unfortunately. Some of you may have noticed, too. I thought things had gotten better, but I'm not perfect, and I've slipped again. I do know why, but it's one of those things I can only utter into a hole in the ground and cover with mud. I'm working on that, because I don't want these angry feelings back. So please just bear with me through this phase. I ~~hope~~ promise it's only temporary.

I suppose with poetry, when you dig deep enough inside yourself, you get to the area where those negative feelings don't exist. Anger is just a surface emotion, designed to hide the real stuff underneath. The stuff we like to leave alone. Those feelings haven't changed in me. I took that picture of the girls on one of our walks to the park, and I think it pretty much sums up how I feel. When I look at it, I see all of the volumes and volumes of poetry I keep inside me. No anger, no bitterness, no regrets. Just poetry. Maybe it's time to bring some of it out again. To sidestep my anger until I find the right hole to whisper it into and leave behind, buried in the dirt.

Multitasking

2010-02-21T17:51:00.000-08:00

This morning I finished my entire breakfast while sitting in traffic on the 101. I also cleaned out the change in my pockets and took inventory of all the CDs in my car's side door pocket. I feel as if I've finally arrived as an Angeleno. Except I didn't tweet about it.

Kindergarten shopping

2010-02-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

OK, I've been looking into kindergartens for Sophie for the fall, and it isn't a whole lot of fun. First of all, it's kindergarten! Like, when did kindergarten become the thing that makes or breaks your kid's chances of becoming a well-educated adult? Outside of NYC that is, in which case, you're already screwed if your kid isn't in the right preschool! But seriously, the girls and I went on a two hour kindergarten tour during which we learned more about the fifth grade GATE (gifted something-something-something) classrooms than the kindergarten ones. (Some background info: Your child is assigned a "home" school, which is your neighborhood school. If you'd rather send your child to a different school in the district, you can apply to it by filling out a "school of choice" application, which doesn't guarantee your child will be accepted to that school. Some schools have become much better than others, partly due to parents hand-selecting their kids' schools.)

So back to the tour. This school has a high academic performance index (API) ranking, and is obviously a highly sought after school. The parents were mostly school of choice parents. Questions were mostly about how to get into the school and how the kids are selected for its GATE program (only for grades 3-5, but at most of the district schools). I guess you do have to consider all of that stuff (which may explain why many of my friends moved to particular neighborhoods right before their kids turned school age), but thrusting API numbers in my face right now just seems too soon. (I did, however, like the school for other reasons.)

First, let me say I don't believe in the "No child left behind" method of determining what makes a quality school. Test scores can't measure everything. I also don't like the idea behind school vouchers. Should we ditch our home school with its API of 812 (out of 1000) for this other school a little further away in a "nicer" neighborhood because its API is 893? Do those scores really mean all that much in elementary school? I know what I think, but then, I have to wonder if I will be shortchanging my daughters if I don't give them that "competitive" edge straight out of the gate? All of the students will come together to attend the same (very good) middle school, but will those first six years of education put Sophie behind the pack?

It's a tough decision. I guess what makes it tough is that I'm leaning toward our home school (even though I wish it had some of the other elements at the other school). Some parents question that. Which makes me question it. So I've put in "school of choice" applications at a bunch of schools to keep any and all options open. But, really, the only schools I'm seriously considering are the ones close to our neighborhood. That narrows the choices down some, but not a lot. And those schools happen to be some of the most sought-after, unfortunately, so our chances of being selected are pretty slim. That may make the decision a lot easier, except, there's the schmooze factor. UGH! Some parents have said schmoozing with the principal and other important school board members can help get your child into a particular school. Now, I'm not a big schmoozer. In fact, I'm not even a little schmoozer. And I do understand that's how the world works. But do I really have to play a part in that? I don't particularly want to. Jeez, when did kindergarten get so political?

So, after a week of looking at elementary schools, I sort of don't know what to say. I don't want to make the mistake of not thinking far enough ahead. But I also don't want to push Sophie into some crazy parent-driven competitive arena at the age of 5. What to do, what to do? We won't learn until June whether Sophie has been "randomly" selected to attend any of the non-neighborhood schools, so I guess I have some time before I decide if I should start baking those brownies for board members. Until then, I honestly think I should make an attempt to get to know our neighborhood school a little better. What do you think?

L'arte d'arrangiarsi

2010-01-24T16:25:00.000-08:00

I took Italian in college because I thought it was a beautiful language. Also, I had reached a point in my Spanish, which I had studied almost continuously since the age of 9, where my reading and writing ability far surpassed my ability to overcome my nerves to speak. Thus, my college Spanish professor accused me of having someone else do my written homework and essays (I didn't) since they sounded more advanced than my conversation skills. He told me he was dropping me a whole letter grade (to a B-!) for cheating. At the time, maybe I should have taken that up with the dean, but instead I said ¡adios! to Spanish and switched to Italian.

Anyway, this morning when I was thinking about how things in my life were going, an Italian expression — l'arte d'arrangiarsi — came to mind. I guess it may have a few translations. Literally, it means "the art of arranging," but more roughly, it means "the art of getting by" or "the art of making something from nothing." A 1954 Luigi Zampa film translated it to mean "the art of getting along." They all share the same basic meaning, more or less, and they all pretty much describe how I've been spending my days.

First, let me say, literally speaking, I don't believe my life is nothing, or ever was nothing. It's just an expression. Maybe it's better to say I'm turning what I had before into something more beautiful and meaningful. I guess we sometimes use the more pedestrian expression "turning lemons into lemonade" (which I do literally, and quite charmingly, whenever Joe gives me lemons from his lemon tree).

Talking to a friend the other night, I realized it was a bit difficult to elaborate on my life now. I hadn't seen or heard from him in more than a year, so the only way I could sum up this past year was to say I'm happy. That's not to say I haven't been overwhelmed or lonely or confused at times. But I am happy. In fact, many parts of my life have always made me happy. I've always liked my life. I still do. But now it feels a little different. It's richer. It's like driving down the 405 every day with a busted radio, then suddenly the radio starts working, and your favorite song comes on. That actually happened to me, only with my CD player, and man, it was a great feeling! I may have even said aloud, "God, I love driving!" I know, coming from me, that's crazy, right? Like I said, happy.

Now this may sound trite and hokey, but what I like most about my life is that it's mine again. I'm free to be me. I can wear a different sweater dress and knee-highs three days in a row while it's pouring rain outside, and not have someone question the practicality of it. I can drive all the way to Los Angeles to see a movie, even though it's playing down the street. I don't have to buy foods I don't like to eat. And I can decide for myself what music to listen to in the car and listen to it over and over again (currently it's these guys). This all probably sounds silly to you, but to me, these are big steps!

With the exception of two years, I spent the past 20 in relationships. Two of them. And if you know me even slightly, you know that when I feel strongly about something, I can be quite passionate. That's both good and bad. In relationships, it's bad, because I give so much, I often become subsumed by the other person. I think my sister tried to tell me this once, but I didn't understand then. I do now. What it means is that I've pretty much spent the better part of two decades being someone other than myself. I see that now. So with only two years to go on, I've had quite a challenge trying to figure out what parts of the past are me, and what parts aren't. Picking through all of those years isn't easy, but I have to say, it is enlightening. I'm basically making something from nothing.

Puking, potty time, and a little physiology review

2010-01-20T00:02:00.000-08:00

I don't have much for you this week.

The girls and I have been sick — that achy, pukey, disorienting, dying kind of sick. Although, maybe that was just me. If the girls felt that way, they sure were hiding it better than I could. The downside of the sickness, aside from the obvious, is that Chloe, who has been sleeping in a regular bed (well, Joe's old left-behind futon), has been having difficulty sleeping at night. So she gets up, opens the gate that's supposed to be keeping the cats out of her room (it does), and comes to my room to snuggle with me in my bed. Hard to turn down a snuggle with a warm baby. So maybe that's not too bad a downside, but I pay for it later, when I try to convince her to stay in her bed at nighttime.

The upside (yes, there is one) is that all of the diarrhea Chloe has been having, plus all the extra fluids she's been taking in, has given her lots of practice going potty. So even though it may be early, I think I'm going to call it: Chloe is potty-trained! She's been dry and accident-free for more than a week, although I can't really account for last Wednesday, when I spent most of my time in the bathroom puking. The girls were at preschool and then Joe's house. But I'm going to give it to her. She deserves it. Amazing, really. Being patient with her really helped. I'm so proud of her.

So with all this sickness, I noticed my eating habits have been a little different. I went from a couple of days eating next to nothing to eating anything I could fit in my mouth. I mean large servings of everything. I couldn't believe it was just from being sick. Then tonight it dawned on me: I think it is my prescription (class 1) corticosteroid that is making me so hungry. And shoot, from what I learned in physiology class about glucocorticoids, I'm going to blame my excess belly fat on it, too. Why not? Plus, it is upping my already increased risk (from the gestational diabetes) of type 2 diabetes. Rats. So I decided that I had better go back to my old nutritional plan of controlled carbs and measured portions. And drinking plenty of water. See, that physiology is already coming in handy!

OK, hopefully something more interesting next time.

Hello 2010!

2010-01-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

There's always so much I want to write, but by the time I get around to it, I just don't have the energy. Particularly since I'm not sure there's anyone still reading. But that's OK. For you two very special people reading, here's a quick summary of the holidays.

Christmas was great. It came and went without much fuss. The girls and I spent it with the rest of the family out in Vegas. Joe even came out for Christmas eve and Christmas morning, which worked out fine. After Christmas, we did something I had been wanting to do for quite some time: we drove out to Red Rock Canyon. It was a beautiful day, the drive was fun, and the vistas were gorgeous. The girls enjoyed climbing up on a low part of one rock, and they kind of just sat there enjoying the view. Every day afterward, Sophie kept asking to go back. But we had other things to do! Including a visit to the new CityCenter complex on the Strip. The theme, according to Uncle Chip: Starchitecture. Yup. Not all of the buildings were finished, but they were stunning to look at nevertheless. My favorite, which maybe is influenced by my days in Chicago, is Helmut Jahn's leaning Veer Towers. Let me just say architects amaze me. I'm in awe of what my sister and brother-in-law do for a living. But you know, I also have a profound respect for the structural engineers and contractors that actually build those designs. Wow.

So, the Vegas trip was pretty good. We stayed a day longer than we had planned, and made it home in time for new year's eve. I'm happy to be moving into the new year. I think 2010 is going to be a good one. My 2009 wasn't too bad, though it was plenty difficult. But I made some great strides. And I'm grateful to everyone who encouraged me along the way. Even more beautiful than the red rocks or glass and steel structures I saw in the desert are my family and friends. You know who you are, and if you don't, I know who you are. You mean the world to me. Happy new year!

Getting out and getting better

2009-12-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

I had an amazing weekend.

Let me just start by saying the holidays are here. They were getting me down at first, because let's face it, even though I've always loved this time of year, it can be tough on someone going through divorce. And even tougher when you're a single mom. There's a lot I need to pull together to make Christmastime feel like, well, Christmastime for the girls. And doing that stuff alone is a big reminder of how different things are now.

The girls love having the family together. So they aren't always thrilled going back and forth between homes, which makes it hard to see them go every other weekend. I miss them, particularly with the holidays here. So to get through these quiet weekends, I decided to do something to keep my mind busy (with something other than schoolwork). I signed up to volunteer as many hours as I could for this organization, which I mentioned earlier here. The good folks there help inspire kids to write by offering all sorts of creative workshops and after-school tutoring. So far, it's been fun helping out, and if this past week is any indication, it's definitely filled me with holiday cheer.

One of the things I like about helping the group is that I'm doing something for the kids, sure, but really, I am doing something for myself. I'm returning to the belief that pushed me into grad school — that encouraging kids to write will change the world. Yeah, I used to think on such a grand scale. And I still believe in that idea. So I admire what the group is doing, and at the same time, I'm sort of, well, saving myself.

When divorce first became a reality, I guess I had this belief that I needed someone to save me. Someone to help me get my life back to *normal* so I could keep moving forward from roughly where I left off. For nearly a year, or maybe even more than a year, I expected that person to come in the form of a new partner or a new BFF. But that's silly, right? I realize that now. I think it is just something many newly single moms go through. I mean, I do need someone to rescue me, but that person isn't a man. It's me. And working with this group has allowed me to see that. I found a little pocket of Los Angeles that I could make my own, and I'm using it to rediscover that person I once was before I met Joe.

Which is another reason I enjoy volunteering. Echo Park, where I've mostly been going, is an area of the city that I'm exploring on my own. It reminds me a bit of some areas in Brooklyn or of Wicker Park in Chicago, and I have a friend familiar with the Eastside who can help me figure out some of its eccentricities. Also, and this is a major plus, it forces me to drive. Every time I get off the 101 at exit 4A, I feel proud of myself. As a onetime New Yorker, driving out here made me anxious. The freeways were intimidating. But the more I drive, the less bothered I'm becoming. And it helps immensely that to get to the Eastside, I can take the 710 to the 5 to the 101 and stay in the left lanes when I get to the interchanges. Yes! Seriously, getting over my driving anxiety is so big, it probably deserves its own post. It's what has helped me get out more and make the most of my weekends without the girls.

So this weekend I not only helped out with some workshops for the kids, but I also volunteered to work downtown at the Unique LA holiday show, which featured hundreds of independent artists and designers showcasing their stuff. Think etsy.com crammed into little booths. It was fun. I didn't have as much time as I had hoped to shop, but I still enjoyed being there.

Later that afternoon, I had plans with friends to check out some homes that were participating in a tour of eco-friendly residences on the Eastside. The home designed and built by a couple of my sister's friends was part of the tour, which is why I decided to go. (Their home was just featured in the L.A. Times.) I'm really glad I did that. I love seeing beautiful homes, even though we only managed to see three of the ten on the tour. But that provided enough inspiration. Someday, I'll get that work started on Weatherwood.

The last highlight of this weekend I wanted to mention was participating in the Belmont Shore Christmas Parade. Joe and I pulled the girls in the wagon while we walked with other families from the girls' preschool. The girls did get a little squirmy riding in the wagon together that many hours (parade rules), which created a bit of stress, but it all worked out in the end. I think the girls enjoyed having the family together. And I enjoyed being able to spend some time with them during my off weekend. Plus, that parade has always gotten me in the holiday spirit. This year's was no exception.

So I think things are getting better. No, I KNOW things are getting better. Which is why my weekend was so amazing. I just hope this is something that lasts beyond the holidays.

Hooray for the weekend!

2009-11-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

OK, I figured out how to upload a video, so here is one of Sophie bowling a few weeks ago. Sorry it isn't very clear. My phone isn't the best at capturing video. But you can still check out Sophie's moves.

This past week was pretty rough, with a couple of exams and some long hours on campus. This weekend couldn't have come soon enough for me. And the girls will be at Joe's, which means hopefully I'll have time to catch up on some sleep, get ahead in physio, take care of the house, read this book written by a guy I once turned down for coffee, and get up to Echo Park. Probably not in that order. I'll also be reliving a part of my youth at a show to celebrate the 20th anniversary of this album.

Trick-or-treat!

2009-11-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update for now

2009-10-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have a free moment to write down a few words, but only a few. Last week ended a little better than it started. The girls and I went with some friends to the pumpkin patch on Friday, so I'll try to post some of those pics, either here or on Shutterfly. It was fun, even though this year the girls didn't ride the ponies. Maybe we'll go back. There's still a week left before Halloween. I also wanted to post a quick video of Sophie bowling, but I think Blogger did away with its video uploading to make me use YouTube. So, if anyone knows of an easy non-YouTube way to post a video here, lemme know.

Another thing I've been up to is getting involved with a writing/tutoring project for kids in Venice and Echo Park. I'll tell you more later, because I'm just getting started, but so far, I love it. Unfortunately I don't have as much time to help out as I would like. And I thought I would be concentrating in the Echo Park area, which for some reason really appeals to me, but it's kind of fun going to the Venice area, too. The building is near where my sister used to live and work. So maybe I'll split my time. The drive is probably 30-40 minutes to either location (with little traffic), but it's nice to get out of Long Beach for a change. I feel as if I'm finally exploring other areas of Los Angeles, and I'm learning to enjoy where I live. I suppose it's only taken me ten years!

Still the dead one lay moaning

2009-10-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been pretty rough for all sorts of reasons. I won't go into details here because typing them out isn't going to make me feel any better. I've been trying to "focus on the good things of life," as someone once suggested, and while it works the majority of the time, it gets tiring. Sometimes things come at me all at once, and the good things seem pretty distant. (Except for the girls. They rock my socks all the time.) I find myself trying so hard to stay positive, that it prevents me from reaching out and asking for help. Then things pile up, which makes it even harder to reach out. Having once defined myself as a poet, this work often comes to mind. (Skip to the end if you don't want to read Smith's commentary.)

I memorized that poem 23 years ago, and even wrote my college essay about it. I swore I would never let myself drown because I was too afraid to let people see what, or who, is under my mask. As a 17 year old, that seemed to be a perfectly reasonable goal to set. Having a bit more wisdom behind me now, I wonder if I'll ever accomplish it, especially since I'm not wearing just one mask, but several, as we all are. And I've piled on tons more in the past several months. Call it protective instinct. But I hate it. It just isn't me. I don't feel comfortable under all these layers, but removing them feels pretty scary right now. I want to try, though. Because nothing feels more invigorating than stripping yourself of all your masks and being able to stand with confidence before someone completely naked. That's why I write this blog. It doesn't produce quite the same feeling, but at least I can expose some of me through my thoughts.

I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is the fact that suddenly I have two identities: mother of two young children and single person. I find it's hard integrating the two. Of course, mother of two requires a sh*tload (sorry, ma) of responsibilities, so that role takes precedence right now. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but there are times when, as a single person staring at 40, I feel my life is passing me by. (This of course comes from the fact that I didn't particularly want to be single.) I tell myself I'll catch up to it once the girls are older and things are more settled, but will I? Will it be too late? Again, having kids is great, and I don't have a problem devoting my time to them now, but I don't want to end up the pathetic mom who has made her children her whole life, and is afraid to let them go because she has nothing else. That's not a mask I want to wear, although I can see how easy it would be. But there's a reason life isn't easy.

I know I've given this a bit too much thought. Life is what it is, and I should just enjoy it as it is, which is pretty good, right? Stay in the present. But sometimes I just need to know that my life hasn't left me behind. Or that I really will be able to catch up to it. Or just that somebody is listening. At this point in my life, I can't handle silence. Maybe that's hard to explain to anyone not going through what I've been going through. But you don't need to be a single mom to understand feeling lost and lonely. Yes, I have remained strong for myself and the girls, and yes, I believe in the power of being positive, but not at the risk of drowning.

School, school, soccer

2009-09-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I wish I had the energy and desire to write more, but right now I don't. School has been nonstop busy. I don't know how I'll be able to keep up, but I have to, so I will. So far, the misery of staying up late to study is paying off. But we'll see how the rest of the semester goes. I thought I'd have a bit more time to study when the girls are in preschool, but class time takes up six hours a day those days, and my mandatory parent volunteer hours at the preschool take up the rest of the time. But I keep telling myself, this should be a piece of cake compared to how the nursing program will go. Even if I manage to get in, I don't know how it'll be taking the full courseload of nursing classes. But no sense thinking about it now. Physiology comes first.

So, the girls so far have been getting adjusted to full-day preschool. Sophie enjoys it because she's made a new friend, but Chloe still dreads it. Once she's there, however, I think she does OK. Mostly when I see her, she's either standing by herself, or waiting for a teacher, and always with a melancholy look on her face. But I have spies who tell me Chloe gets a little spring in her step by the afternoon, dancing around and singing after naptime. She joins Sophie's class in the older kids' playground at the end of the day, so that makes her happy, also. The girls play together more, which is cute to see. Sophie used to ignore Chloe when they first started school, to the point that Chloe used to cry about it. But now, Sophie gets excited looking for Chloe so they can play together. It's a nice sister bond, which makes me happy the two have each other. It reminds me of how close my sister and I were growing up.

Another big thing that has been going on lately is Sophie starting soccer. Her team, the Purple Crush, just had its second game today. It was a tie. They all are because, for the 4/5 year-olds, the games are just about having fun. And Sophie does. She enjoys playing, although at any given moment, she is probably daydreaming more than playing. She has her Lucy van Pelt moments, for sure, but that's OK. Most of the other girls are really focused on playing, but they seem to all have older siblings who play. I think that makes a difference. But Sophie is still fun to watch, especially when she runs. She has this special-just-for-soccer gait that is a cross between a prance and a wobble, if you can picture that. If not, next week I'll try to capture it on video. It's cute. It really is.

Good start to the week

2009-08-31T23:26:00.000-07:00

Wanted to share this song, which has always been one of my favorites from John Lennon's album Imagine. I hadn't heard it since I last saw the movie Rushmore on cable, so it was a nice surprise to find it included on a CD mix given to the girls at a birthday party we went to on Sunday for one of their friends. The first time I remember really appreciating this song was a long long time ago, and I remember wishing someone someday would sing a song like that to me. It's simple and quite lovely. The closest I've ever gotten was a poem written to me in Latin. Anyway, I've been in a good mood hearing the song again. It has reminded me that real love does exist, and if I'm patient, hopefully someday I'll find it.

Happiness comes in two sizes

2009-08-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

These past couple of weeks haven't been the easiest, but they have been fairly happy ones. The girls started full-day preschool last week, which has been a source of excitement, apprehension, sadness, happiness, anger, and dread at various times, or all at once. There were no tears on the first day. The girls were too curious about being in the full-day building, checking out the play areas in their new classrooms and learning new routines. Day two, however, was a different story. There were tears from all of us, and plenty of emotions to go along with them. But we made it through. We made it through that day, and the rest of the week. It wasn't easy, but we were successful. And this week has gone even better.

Sophie, who experienced a bit of a rough (and I mean rough!) start, didn't dwell too long on missing her previous teacher and classmates. She made a new friend, and is now excited about her new classroom. As soon as we arrive at the door, Sophie's already off and playing. I love seeing that carefree happiness that comes with being a kid. Especially knowing how upset Sophie was having to adjust to the new class, new schedule, and new people. But she did adjust. And it didn't take long. I love that about Sophie.

Chloe, however, still dreads the very notion of preschool. She's still so young, but she is getting better. Leaving her in the mornings is difficult enough on me, so it has to be tough on her. But I know she's learning those same skills Sophie is having success with down the hall. That's a positive thing. I do think the hand-off to Chloe's teacher, whom I think is terrific, has gotten easier. Before I go, I get the biggest, tightest hug from Chloe, several kisses, and either a "miss you mommy" or a "love you mommy." Yesterday morning, she sang me a song. We heard it on KCRW that morning. It's pretty catchy and was stuck in my head, so I sang it aloud in the car to the girls. (No, it's not the happy birthday song, but keep listening, it's the song that follows.)

Chloe picked up the song right away, changing the words to "wrap, wrap, wrap your arms around me." She sang it with a big smile on her face as we were walking into the preschool building, and she sang it to me as we were sharing our hug. Wow, just that moment alone was worth going through the difficult days! That was enough happiness to last me even through today. Seeing how well the girls adjust to something they feel apprehensive about is inspiring. We're all constantly learning how to deal with new situations, which can be scary, as I mentioned in my last post, so it's helpful to see first-hand how fear and happiness can co-exist. And I wouldn't have thought it, but they actually do feel OK together.

Swim lessons and the box under the table

2009-07-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

mayfair park, 07.22.2009

Sophie started summer swim lessons at the Mayfair Park pool last week. She's in the same class as her friend, Vaughn, which is nice because he has been taking lessons there for years and kind of showed her the ropes a bit. Sophie was both excited and a little nervous at first. The splashing bothered her some, but after a week, she's grown more comfortable with it. She did tell me, however, that she didn't want to put her head under the water when she jumped in the pool or when they played "ring around the rosie." Luckily, she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. The primary goal of the class is to make sure the kids feel comfortable in the water, not scared. I think as far as lessons go, that's a pretty big one. And one that goes beyond the pool.

A few weeks ago, someone gave me this bit of divorce/dating advice: Don't be scared. To be fair, I've probably been told that by numerous people on several occasions. But it wasn't until that last time that I began to think about those words. Don't be scared. Considering all of the changes that have taken place this past year, it's kind of hard not to be. Some days I feel as if I'm completely lost, trying to make my way out of one of those giant hedge mazes. I don't know where I am exactly, so I follow my instincts, hoping they'll lead me out. That's the scary part. Will I find my way out? How long will it take? And what's waiting for me on the outside? The only way to find out, of course, is to face my fears and keep moving until I'm out.

For the longest time, I've been afraid to move. The divorce paperwork has found its way from the kitchen table into a box under the table. It's been waiting there for me to assign numbers and amounts to various parts of my past. I know I can do it. But I'm scared. I'm shedding the part of me that was a wife and partner. After all these years, that happens to be a very large portion, and losing it leaves me feeling somewhat incomplete and a bit exposed. So I've gradually built a wall, not an impenetrable one as I learned the hard way, but one that allows me to retreat inside until I feel comfortable enough to come back out and share myself. But, again, will I find my way out? How long will it take? And what's waiting for me on the outside? Ah, the scary uncertainties. To find the answers to those questions, I'll have to get to work on the contents of that box first.

When I asked Sophie if she still minded all of the splashing the class did in the pool, she told me that if she closes her eyes and shakes away the water, she's not as afraid. Hmm. Maybe I need to give that a try.

Happy birthday gumball!

2009-07-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

Chloe on her birthday. 07.02.09

A visit to my hometown

2009-07-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

OK, summer is here, and we're off and running. The girls and I just returned from a trip to my hometown to see my mom. The trip was long overdue. The last time I visited was when I was 6 months pregnant with Sophie. And even then it was only for three or four days. So it was definitely good to be back. We were there for nine days, which I thought could have been a bit long for the girls to be away from home, but it was actually too short. The girls wanted to stay longer. So did I. It was a good trip. Plus, I saw a couple of friends and caught up a bit, which was a nice bonus.

Being with the girls in the house I sort of grew up in was a lot of fun. One of the first things Sophie noticed when she walked into my old bedroom was a photo of me when I was maybe five or six years old. Sophie said, “Hey, that's me!” I’m very familiar with the photo, but I never quite noticed the resemblance until Sophie pointed it out. Sophie also started asking Amah all sorts of questions about what I was like as a little girl. Apparently I was a lot like Chloe, wanting to do everything my older siblings were doing, but not quite having the skills to master those things. C'mon, isn't that pretty much standard for all younger siblings?

So, according to Sophie, the three highlights of the trip were the playground at Tilles Park, the marble run at a toy store in the Galleria, and catching fireflies.

Tilles Park. 06.18.09

The playground was her absolute favorite. There was just so much to do: popjets, giant xylophones, jungle gyms with built-in marble games and race tracks, two-tiered bridges with a telescope on the top tier, a standing spinner thing, a standing bouncer thing, a rock wall, carriage swings, you name it, the park had it. We went to that playground practically every day since it was just down the street. Even in the sweltering 98º heat.

One of Chloe's favorite things during the trip was her green lollipop, which was actually a very realistic-looking hairpin. She played with the lollipop whenever she sat on the potty chair, which was fairly often. Potty training went super well at Amah's house. A few days she kept her diaper completely dry. She even wore underwear one day. Amah was super supportive, which helped a great deal. Chloe liked Amah taking her to the potty. I think if we were there for a couple more weeks, Chloe would have had it down. But she did great. Hopefully she'll have it down by the time she starts preschool in the fall. But I imagine that's not a hard and fast rule. I can't believe all of the other kids will be potty ready. But who knows? Chloe will probably be the one of the youngest, if not the youngest, in her class. She turns two tomorrow.

Ok, my arm is killing me. RSI. It hurts to type, so you'll just have to ask me how the rest of the trip went.

Oh what happy days!

2009-06-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while. Hopefully I'll have time this weekend. Until then, here are a few thoughts that have made me smile the last couple of days. Explanations may or may not be coming soon!

Watching my daughters sleep with their jar of fireflies sitting on the nightstand.

Wearing a new push-up bra. (And tossing out the old nursing bras!)

Coming through on a promise.

Learning something from someone with a lot of patience.

Seeing that lovely face again.

Still my sweet baby

2009-06-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

Lately Chloe has been getting upset. Usually because she wants me to do one thing and Sophie wants me to do another. I try to take turns with them, however, that doesn't always work. Particularly not since Chloe has learned the word "now," which she says more like "NOW!" with a little growl. And when I can't do what she wants "NOW!" she gets upset. It actually can be very cute. I had seen bits of it before, such as that day she begrudgingly packed the overnight bag to go to Joe's. She wrinkled her nose and started muttering something in cavebaby as she grabbed everything she saw around her to stuff into the bag. It was a bit like the scene from the movie "The Jerk," where Steve Martin is leaving the house and stopping to take random objects from around the room with him as he goes. That's what she was doing. And even though it's cute to watch her pout sometimes, I still hate to see her so upset. Plus, Chloe takes a bit longer to calm down than I remember Sophie ever taking during that stage. Holding her, rubbing her back, stroking her hair and giving her kisses all seem to help, though. I think sometimes she just craves more mommy-time, more attention, more affection. She's still my baby after all. How long are the terrible twos supposed to last?

To answer your question

2009-05-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me the other night what I like to do for fun. My mind was focused on other things so I never got around to answering. To be honest, I didn't know what to say. And he wasn't the first to ask me that question. Another friend had asked me the exact thing several weeks earlier, and I had no clue what to say then either. It's a simple question. I should have known the answer. But I didn't.

What do I like to do for fun? It's easy for me to say I'm a single mom so I don't have time for fun. But that's not true. There are ways to make time. It's also easy to say I spend time with the girls, and that's fun. But that's a different type of fun. That's me as a mom, not me as me. Truth is, it's been so long since I've been just "me" that I'm really not sure what I like to do anymore.

For years I've been defining myself as a wife and mother. So most of what I did for fun was mom stuff (no explanation needed) or whatever Joe liked to do, namely, play games, watch games, or talk about games. All preferably while drinking beer. Joe liked to call himself the Fun Czar, and that actually described him very well. No surprise our marriage was extremely competitive and kind of boring for someone not interested in constant competition. I do like to do all those things, sure, while drinking beer even, but not with the same incessant fervor as Joe, which was pretty much a requirement. So to figure out what I like to do for fun, I have to reach back to my New York days and maybe even further back to my college days. So here goes, even though neither of the people who asked will probably see this:

I like sitting in a coffeeshop or at a bar having interesting conversations with people I want to know better. I like hitting the galleries or bookstores or a club to learn something new about art, in all its forms. I like discussing something I've just read with someone who's not afraid to say she also didn't like whatever book is currently atop the bestseller lists. I actually love discussing anything with anyone who has an actual opinion, even, or maybe especially, if it's not the same as my own. In other words, I guess what I find fun is connecting with people or ideas in whatever setting is the most conducive at the time. Is that answer a cop out? I also like to eat good food.

It's funny, when I lived in New York, I used to be able to go into a bar and strike up a lively conversation with anyone. I remember going to a press event and meeting some regional president for this group and telling him exactly how I would have promoted his product differently. He pulled out a chair for me, gave me his card, and asked me to come work for him. I can recall interesting bilingual conversations with shift workers riding the subway home at 4 in the morning. A pizza maker shook my hand very warmly when we arrived at our stop and parted ways on the platform. What happened to those days? They were fun.

I guess out here, I became much more reserved, which actually isn't all that uncharacteristic of me. I mostly listened to Joe talk about whatever it was he usually talked about. Nothing wrong with that. He took over conversations because he enjoyed being the center of attention, and I didn't. No competition there. But obviously, after a while, those evenings weren't that much fun, no matter what else we were doing. I guess shunning attention isn't the same as not wanting to share what's on my mind. And listening to someone talk isn't always the same as connecting with that person.

One of my biggest fears of this divorce is becoming bitter. Hard to have fun when you're full of bitterness. I'm doing my best to not let that happen. I can't blame anyone for why things changed out here for me. People are just different in different environments. Subtle changes can be enough to influence different behavior. Sometimes we thrive, sometimes we flounder. I'm hoping to find that subtle change that will allow me to thrive. (Divorce, though not subtle, hopefully helps!) Like everyone, I do want to have fun. So it's up to me to figure out that change, the same way I figured out what it is I like to do for fun.

ps. I added some photos of the girls here.

Sometimes all I can do is wish...

2009-05-23T22:59:00.000-07:00

Sigh. The problem with being done with the semester is that now my nights are free. Sort of. I have a lot of stuff to do that my studies let me ignore. Important stuff that needs to get done, sooner rather than later. Problem is, I don't feel like doing any of it, even though I know I have to. Divorce paperwork, financial aid forms, taxes. All things that force me to think about things I don't want to think about. When Sophie used to ask me why Daddy didn't live with us, I always told her because he and I grew apart, which caused us to fight a lot, and we don't want to fight anymore. One day she asked me the question and surprised me by answering it herself: "Because Daddy doesn't like you." I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't. But I remember thinking, wow, at three she already knows what took me years to figure out. I dread those moments. I dread thinking about this divorce. I wish we could just handle it like they do in the movies, just sign a few papers and it's all over. That would be great. But I know there's more to it. And I know it's up to me to get the stuff done. As quickly as possible. So why am I dragging my feet?

With classes over until August, I try to keep myself focused by thinking about the girls. I often write about them having to adjust to the divorce, but really, I think I'm having a more difficult time with it. And not because I don't want it to happen. But because it's unpleasant. Divorce can finally bring out the truth, which is rarely pretty. And even though it's something you may have long suspected, it's still hard to accept. I wish I could erase some stuff from my mind like in that Charlie Kaufman movie, but only temporarily to help me get through these proceedings. I don't actually want to lose the memories, just the hurt. Is that possible? I wish it were.

My thoughts, like 'em or not

2009-05-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

First of all, in my last post I should have mentioned that it was my mom's birthday. That was one of the reasons I logged on to post! Sorry, Ma. Happy birthday! (We did speak in person twice that day, so I'm not a derelict daughter.) But I wanted to say, Ma, you absolutely amaze me! As Sophie always says to me, I'm so happy you're my mom.

So the girls are at Joe's this weekend. They just left a short while ago. The house gets eerily quiet when they're gone. If not for all the phone calls, I think I could probably make it through the weekend without talking. Which is something, because as you probably know, I like to talk!

There's been a lot on my mind lately, but I've been dragging my feet writing it all down. (I have lots of important tasks to get done, also, which I've been dreading as well.) It's hard sometimes to put down what I truly have on my mind because I know not all of my readers wish me well. And why they continue to check in, I don't know. Missing something in their lives, I imagine. But I need a place to put my thoughts, so I'm going to stop giving a rat's ass about who's reading (well, except my mom. Sorry again, Ma, I meant rat's behind) and say what I want.

Right now, one of the hardest things for me out here is the isolation. As any stay-at-home parent can attest to, taking care of kids all day long can be isolating enough. But when you factor in the divorce, having no family out here, and that I've lost quite a few friends due to the divorce, it's very isolating. I moved out here for one reason. Yes, it was my decision, and no, I don't regret it. But unfortunately that one reason isn't a reason anymore. But I have a fondness for this town now, and despite being pretty much alone out here with the girls, I want to stay. So I have to work on the friendships I have left. And build new ones.

Today I talked to a mom whom I absolutely adore. She has a great spirit and her kids are terrific. Talking to her made me feel better about my situation, particularly since I learned today that she's remarried. So, yes, I can do this. By this, I mean adjust to divorce. I just need to be patient. It's hard, though, for sure. When I see Chloe packing her stuff in a bag to take to Joe's, as if it's just an ordinary thing kids do, it breaks my heart.

El Dorado Park, 04.24.09

But my girls are tough. They came from me, so I know they'll survive. Some days I know the adjustment is hard for them, and all I can do is offer them compassion. And I've found compassion is all it takes. Chloe likes to hold my hand through the crib bars when she goes to sleep. I don't think I'm teaching her bad habits, as someone accused me of doing. I'm showing her compassion. A little extra attention isn't a bad thing. I wish I could give the girls even more. I honestly believe their lives are better now, and my life is better, and I'm pretty sure Joe's is better. So I just have to tell my heart that, and accept the fact that there's a lot of stuff that's going to make my heart ache, especially in its tender state right now. Which reminds me of something else on my mind.

The dating pool is not something I want to dip my toes into for quite some time. The divorce is pretty far from being final, and I have too much to take care of right now, and for the next few years to come. Plus, I don't know if I'll really be able to give my heart away a second time. But this past week, I was talking to someone who actually made me feel desirable again. So I think maybe years down the line, it could be a possibility. I am grateful to him because he did something he'll probably never know he did. He made me realize that I don't need to keep a wall around my heart anymore. And to be honest, I don't really want to. It just doesn't feel like me.

Winding down

2009-05-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

So I realize it's been a while since I last wrote. These past couple of weeks have been tough at school. But I've gotten through them. Successfully. This semester has definitely been the toughest, so it feels good to have it almost behind me. Just one final left in micro.

That's the good news. The bad news is that it's looking pretty iffy that I'll get into the last class I need for nursing. Physiology. Only three sections offered, and after half a day of registration, all closed. Rats! This means instead of fall 2010, the earliest I can enter the nursing program would be spring 2011. Oh well. I can still try to petition to get into the physiology class, but the waiting lists are already filling up. And I don't register until tomorrow midmorning. Like I said, oh well.

Earlier today, I secured Chloe a spot at the preschool. I felt a mix of relief and sadness. Relief that I don't have to fight to get her in somewhere, sadness that she's still my baby and 2 y.o. seems pretty young to put her in preschool. She also has to go full day, which might be pretty tough (for her and me!). But the school is great, so I'm happy to get her in. I think she'll like it. She had a good time playing in the preschool yard during today's open house.

OK, I'm pooped. Plenty more to write, but I'm tired. Just wanted to put some words down before too much time gets away.

The glass is half-full, definitely

2009-04-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

Free cone day, Long Beach Town Center. 04.21.09

OK, I didn't get to all those updates I had promised earlier. But I don't think any of you will mind. I had a pretty busy spring break. I went out a lot, both with the girls and without them. I saw some friends, took the girls on a playdate, caught a show with these guys playing, and even went to a game during Dodgers opening week (don't like the Dodgers, but I do love baseball). I also took care of the overgrown lawn and trees finally. It was a good break, and one I really needed.

So, it's been a little more than a year since Joe first left, a bittersweet milestone that was on my mind quite a bit over break. I tried earlier to write about it, but realized I didn't have much to say. What can I say? I've learned a lot about relationships, friends, marriage, and myself during this past year. Do I regret our decision to split? No. Will I in five or ten years, as Joe keeps telling me I will? I seriously doubt it. As difficult as things can be for the girls and me right now, I still see the glass as half-full. I think about our future, and I feel good. Someday, I know the girls will understand. This situation right now isn't permanent. And we've already made it through a year. Whew!

Kicking off spring break with Easter

2009-04-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

So, spring break is here and I was hoping to get a lot done. But if these past four pre-spring break days are any indication, I'll be happy just to be prepared for the onslaught of exams coming at me again once school continues. I thought I could get caught up with some reading *and* writing, get ahead in my classes, start a few projects with the girls, do a little work around the house, finally take care of the lawnmower...the list is endless.

So far, the only thing I've been catching up on is my sleep. (Sort of.) I've been falling asleep as soon as I get the girls in bed. (But then I wake up in the middle of the night and sometimes can't get back to sleep.) I can't believe how tired I am at the end of the day. I guess it's all those previous weeks catching up with me. At least spring break doesn't officially begin until Monday. So there's still time to get stuff done. I might have to invest in a coffeemaker, however, particularly since the French press I had been using since the separation shattered. Rats. One more thing to replace. I'd had that press since my college days. Oh well, just another sign that I'm moving on to a new life. And lucky for me, coffeemaker makers have gotten smart and now make stainless steel carafes.

So Easter was pretty good. Sophie was pretty excited when she woke up to see that the Easter Bunny had come in the middle of the night and hid eggs all around the house. Chloe was excited just to find a lollipop in her Easter basket. Yesterday we went to an Easter celebration out in La Puente. There were games and activity booths, an egg hunt, and we brought along a blanket and had a picnic lunch. The girls mostly wanted to hang out on the blanket, so that's what we did. It was a beautiful day. Today was too, so we spent most of it outside again.

I'm hoping tomorrow to meet up with a friend who is here visiting from New York. Unfortunately, Sophie seems to have a UTI (cloudy pee, dysuria, and tummy aches, but no fever) so I think we'll have to stop off at the doctor's office first. Rats, again. I hope this isn't the same infection from those fevers a while back. I never figured out the cause of them, and now I fear it may have been an uncaught (until today) UTI. Ugh! Sophie claims symptoms only started tonight, so hopefully some antibiotics will clear the infection and she'll be feeling fine. Chloe, who often sits on the potty next to Sophie, has already started to imitate her. After briefly sitting on the potty, Chloe starts saying, "Owww. Owww. Owww." So, poor Sophie. In addition to dysuria, she's also being mocked (unintentionally) by her little sister. Ahh, sisterhood.

OK, hopefully this week I can get caught up on my posts.

Happy first birthday, Clyde!!

2009-04-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

My nephew in Oakland

Sophie's four!

2009-03-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

She turned four two Thursdays ago. I'll write about it later, when I'm feeling better and don't have 52 million tests to study for.

More bugs

2009-03-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling sick and exhausted lately, taking care of a feverish Sophie for the past three days. She was feeling better last night and her temperature for most of the day was a very manageable 38º, but this evening it spiked back up to 40º. Rats! I thought it broke on Friday with the help of some children's Motrin, so the doctor's office said no need to bring her in. Now it's Saturday night, and I'm wondering if I should take her to Urgent Care tomorrow morning. I guess I'll wait and see how she does tonight. Since Wednesday, she's been waking up all through the night, sometimes saying some very, um, imaginative (fever-induced?) things. Luckily, Gumball has been able to sleep through it all, mostly.

Gumball, so far, has escaped whatever infection Sophie has, and the very annoying cold I have, but I think she's starting to get a runny nose. Bleh! I mean, how could she not get sick? One of her favorite pastimes is sucking on her entire hand. Another is picking her nose, which I'd like to get her to stop (but so far have been pretty unsuccessful). So, I guess I better get whatever sleep I can. I have a feeling it's going to be Chloe's turn to be up all night.

Good morning

2009-03-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

This morning, Chloe woke up dancing. Some days it's singing, other days it's crying. But today it was dancing. Which means I woke up smiling.

Not much, just keeping busy

2009-03-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been busy. And by busy, I mean hard. Juggling the girls, school, preschool, sleep, and well, just life in general has been exhausting. But great nonetheless. In fact, when I think about these past few weeks, I have to smile. Having a hard time doesn't mean I'm not loving it. I was thinking the other day how I love my life. The girls are awesome, my classes are going well, I'm excited about my decision to change careers, my family is great, my friends are encouraging. Sure I'd rather not be going through divorce, but everything else is pretty good. Did I mention I found a wonderful babysitter? Things are going well. And the things that aren't, well, I try not to dwell on those. There are days when I feel like I'm drowning, but I get through them and then feel even better about myself. I can do this.

So, Chloe's cavebaby talk is pretty intelligible these days (to me anyway), and it's fun to hear what's on her mind. The other day, she and Sophie were playing in the kitchen when they saw Curioso sleeping on a 5-lb. sack of potatoes. Sophie suddenly wanted to play with the potatoes, so she started rolling them out of the bag, prompting Chloe to say, "Free Potato! Free Potato!!" Then she helped Sophie free the potatoes out of the bag and relocate them all around the house via their train pull-toy. There were tears at one point, when Chloe wasn't allowed to put her potato in the train with Sophie's. The discrimination apparently was too much for Gumball, who sadly waved her potato in the air saying, "My potato! my potato!" We finally had to threaten to call the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Chloe's Potato) before Sophie would relent. When the potato was safely in the train, Chloe celebrated by repeating, "Potato choo-choo!" I have to say, watching the girls play is a lot of fun, even with the little fight about commingling the potatoes, but I'm not sure it would have been as amusing without Chloe's comments.

As for Sophie, she's on a plane all by herself. Her preschool teacher remarked very nicely one day, she follows her own drummer. True, but I think Sophie's a riot. In addition to finding new uses for our potatoes, she has taught me the secret to dressing fashionably: Mix and match with reckless abandon. Gumball has caught on to that method, although she's a bit more conservative with mixing colors. Sometimes I feel the need to tell people the girls dressed themselves that morning, but mostly I feel proud of their fashion sense. Blue sweatshirt over blue dress over blue jeans with pink cowboy boots? Pretty hip. Unfortunately, we lost the hat Sophie used to top off every outfit with. I do hope we find it soon, although it's not at home and not at the preschool. Hmm.

Preschool may be losing its novelty on Sophie. Sometimes she says she doesn't want to go, which is very different from her attitude last semester. I've only been able to volunteer for an hour on Mondays because of my class, and I have to start before the kids arrive, so I'm only there with the kids for half an hour. I haven't really had a chance to see how Sophie interacts with the other kids this semester. There are only a couple of girls new to her, so I imagine things would be the same. Mostly when I see her, Sophie's alone. She seems shy around other children, which makes me sad, because I know what it's like to feel shy around people. It sucks. And you know, seeing Sophie at home, you'd never think she was shy. So I'm hoping she comes out of her shell more when I'm not around. I was told Sophie is a little chatterbox with her classmate during speech therapy. So I won't worry about her too much.

Getting late. I've been trying to catch up on my sleep, but even with more than six hours, I still feel tired. Plus, Chloe's not been sleeping too well. I hope it's just something like teething and she'll start sleeping better soon, especially since I've got a lot of studying to do this coming week.

Insight into the making of a hero

2009-02-24T04:07:00.000-08:00

Not my typical post, but while reading another blog, I clicked on a few things and eventually came upon something I wanted to share. (I know, I know, I should either be studying or sleeping, but oh well, I was reading blogs.) Anyway, for those who know about the divorce and are wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing, read here.

Once, while watching a show called "Higglytown Heroes," Sophie suddenly came up to me and said, "Mommy, you're a hero!" Well, I feel like one. And reading that post made me know I am a hero — to my girls and hopefully to other moms out there who are feeling the same way I once felt.

A rainbow, math and making the days count

2009-02-21T23:23:00.000-08:00

monday february 16, 2009

Once again, it's been a while. I usually think of lots to write about while I'm taking care of the girls, but then when they're asleep or at Joe's, and I have a chance to write, I forget it all. I guess the girls are my writing muses. I do, however, remember thinking I wanted to mention that it rained a lot earlier in the week, which allowed us to see this giant amazing rainbow. Unfortunately, my camera phone really couldn't capture its brilliant colors and the way the rest of the sky looked. I also couldn't get far enough away to show that it completely arched over our neighbor's house. It was quite a site.

The girls are away this weekend, so today I spent about seven hours at the kitchen table learning about digestive disorders and the appropriate tests to diagnose them. I also tried to review some what I think is now called college algebra for an assessment test I'm taking in two weeks. After answering most of my sample test's math questions with "???" I realized that maybe I needed to start off with whatever's considered "high school" algebra. If I could remember anything at all about math, I could probably figure out the difference between the two, but sadly, I can't. A quick scan of the mathematics shelf at my library even informed me that there's something called pre-algebra. I thought that was just called math, but even math has become "basic math." Hmm. All I know is suddenly two weeks no longer seems like a lot of time!

The rest of this past week was pretty good. The girls were my valentines last Saturday, and we spent the day mostly enjoying the beautiful weather. The girls also each had a doughnut. Sophie's was heart-shaped with sprinkles, and Chloe's had chocolate icing and, of course, sprinkles, too. In the morning, I made chocolate croissants for the girls (and for myself!), so we all had a pretty sweet day. I kind of liked making a big deal about Valentine's Day with the girls. Joe and I never really celebrated it much before, which always made me a little sad and maybe should have clued me in about the state of our marriage. But those days are in the past and now I plan to fill the holiday every year with lots and lots of love and joy (sweets optional).

Also over the weekend, a friend from high school stopped by for a visit. He was in southern California for his college reunion, so the girls and I met him Sunday at the Cerritos Sculpture Garden. Because of all the rain the week before, having the chance to play outside and roll around on the grassy hills was nice. And I know I say this all the time, but man, do I love playing with those girls. The week is always so busy with school and preschool and routine care and chores, so having time devoted to just playing is wonderful. One of Chloe's most popular two-word sentences is "play, mama!" which she usually says to me while I'm washing dishes or making breakfast. "Sit, mama" is another one she likes to say to me while I'm getting our food ready during mealtimes. I wish I could somehow help her understand that, even though I can't play with her at the moment, I really really want to.

I wish I did have more time to relax with the girls. When I can, those days really mean something. For a time, Sophie had refused to take her nap because she said she wanted to play with just me while Chloe was sleeping. She said she missed those times, and I do, too. I'd like more one-on-one time with both Sophie and with Chloe. I guess that's why some parents have their children five years apart. I've read here that when children are spaced at least five years apart, they're both considered firstborns, rather than a first- and secondborn. That's one way to have more time with both kids, but I don't think I would want them that far apart (my brother, sister, and I were spaced out over three and a half years only). That's the trade-off. So I guess I don't mind Sophie missing a nap every now and then. Or Chloe tugging at me wanting to play, especially when she punctuates her requests with "mama." She says it in such an earnest way that it makes my heart melt. I guess that's a skill babies seem to master quickly. And I'm learning to master the skill of not minding a sink full of dirty dishes.

Happy Year of the Ox!

2009-02-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

Today when I stepped out of the shower this morning, I had this strange feeling of being back in Brooklyn. Strange probably isn't the right word, though. It was actually more of a pleasant feeling. Maybe some of it had to do with the fact that the girls were at Joe's this weekend, and these days, I don't often get to take a morning shower, let alone one without the girls. Walking around in a quiet house this weekend made me realize that my life is starting to feel different. I'm beginning to feel like a single person again, which is both a disheartening and exhilarating way to start off the new year. The last time I was not in a relationship was more than 13 years ago. And the last time I stepped out of a shower living alone was in Brooklyn.

So, probably the highlight of these past couple of weeks was Arlene, Chip and Clyde coming to visit on Super Bowl Sunday (Chip is from near Pittsburgh, so he was happy about his team winning). It was nice having my sister and her family here, even though it was only for one day. They were in town because Chip brought his class to L.A. on sort of an architecture field trip. Sophie and Chloe were glad to see them. Sophie really enjoys playing with Uncle Chip and his groovy little iPhone, so when he and Arlene were leaving, she cried. It was heartbreaking seeing those tears, particularly since I remember once as a little kid feeling that way when visitors left. Chloe, I think, enjoyed seeing little Clyde (he's 10 months old today!), although she still hasn't warmed up to taking a bath with him. The two looked cute together in the tub, and Chloe was feeling good in there until Clyde reached out and touched her foot. Wow, did those tears come fast. (I'm actually hoping that reaction to boys stays with her for quite a long time!) But whenever Chloe did anything else, she always wanted Clyde to come with her. And Clyde was happy to crawl wherever he could, which, unfortunately, meant to the cats' food dishes. But we did make it through the day without any choking incidents!

The rest of these two weeks was just a flurry of getting tasks done: studying, cleaning the house for the new year, finding a sitter. It seemed as if the days were over before they even started. Even when I was being productive, I felt behind. So I spent most of this weekend catching up on my studying. I have a test every day of class for the next ten days. It's grueling. Though in some ways, it's probably better for me. That kind of constant schedule means I have to keep up in my classes. Keeping up in micro has been tough, particularly when I am watching the girls. My med term class is a little easier because there are all sorts of games out there to help you learn the word parts, and Sophie likes to watch me play them. She also likes leafing through my med term book and wants me to explain the pictures. I told her all about cystoceles, rectoceles, inguinal and hiatal hernias. Then I answered her question about how the food she eats becomes urine when she got to the chapter on the digestive system. As I was telling her, I was amazed by her curiosity and asked if the stuff I was explaining really interested her. Her answer: "Yes! because I was always wondering how my food turned into pee pee!" And, you know, I believe her.

On the babysitter front, I've made a little headway in our search. Hopefully the sitter coming tomorrow will show up and things will go smoothly with Chloe. Sophie and Chloe both seemed to like her. I have my fingers crossed. I had an incident last week in which a friend I was paying to watch Chloe showed up 40 minutes late and never called to tell me whether she was still coming. I couldn't reach her by phone and didn't know what to do. It sucked, to say the least, particularly since I had a lab test in class that day. It was the worst feeling not having any sort of backup plan (she already was my backup plan because our current sitter has left). I still don't know what to do if something like that happens again, so I can only hope it doesn't. Taking care of the girls alone and going to school is difficult, but when you throw in the possibility of an unreliable sitter, it becomes a miracle. I'll be super proud of myself if I make it through my prereqs without having to drop a class or skip a semester. It's hard enough getting into the classes, I really don't want to ever have to drop one. I do have a couple more interviews with sitters lined up, just in case. But I hope I won't need them.

Sitters, preschool and a conversation with Chloe

2009-01-24T20:05:00.000-08:00

Being at home without the girls this weekend still feels strange, but I'm getting used to it. Sort of. I miss them when they're at Joe's, but I do have things to keep me busy, namely studying microbiology and finding a new babysitter. And believe me, micro is a whole lot easier than finding a babysitter.

Yep, another sitter didn't show. Luckily she was just supposed to be helping the girls' current sitter, who unfortunately is leaving soon because she moved (too much commute time). I dread e-mailing and interviewing potential sitters, especially since so many don't even bother showing up once you've hired them. I found this isn't an uncommon problem when you use online sitter sites. Ugh. I don't exactly understand doing that to someone, and so far, I've never been called back by a sitter who has stood me up to know why she was a no-show. Oh well, back to slogging through sitter profiles and e-mails.

Sophie is back at preschool, but has changed days. Same teachers, but there are more girls in her class now, so Sophie says she enjoys school more. I think her class is a little smaller, too, which is kind of nice. I haven't yet started volunteering in the classroom, which is going to be tough this semester since I need to leave for my class at 1PM. Preschool starts at 12.30PM. I guess there are ways to get those parent participation hours in, but shoot, I'll need that new babysitter I don't have.

Gumball is doing well. She is communicating more, mostly through uh-huhs, alrights, and nos. She also can ask for milk (milk), her favorite blanket (bebe or pink), a bath (bath), to go to the potty (pee pee), and to go outside for a walk (walk). A typical exchange with her often goes like this:

Chloe: Milk! Me: You want some milk, Chloe? Chloe: Uh-huh. Me: OK, let me finish this, and I'll get it for you. Chloe: Nooooo! Me: But I'm almost done. I'll get it for you next, I promise. Chloe: Alright.

She's very cute. This is a really great stage with her. I remember going through it with Sophie, so it's nice to relive it with Gumball. She learns a lot from her older sister, which can be frustrating for all of us. Sophie doesn't much like Chloe getting in her business when she's trying to play, Chloe doesn't much like knowing how to do something, but not having the ability and coordination to do it, and I don't much like watching all that frustration take place. But I admit, it's funny to see Chloe imitate Sophie. You can just predict what Chloe's going to do next. And she always has this adorable smile on her face as if to say, "Look, I can do what Sophie's doing!" Come to think of it, maybe that smile is more mischievous than adorable.

A little creativity during playtime

2009-01-18T00:09:00.000-08:00

This afternoon, I watched Sophie play with a few cars, including a giant one of Lightning McQueen, which doubles as a container for bubble bath, some books, play-doh canisters, a hello kitty hair clip, a snail hole puncher, two rocks, a magnet, a rubberband, and figurines of Handy Manny and Pooh. She's created houses, bunk beds, a road connecting the houses to a dance club, and a very imaginative story to go along with everything. I know all three-year-olds are creative, but Sophie's mind is filled with stuff I would have never imagined. When I spoke to her preschool teacher during a semester review, Sophie got high marks in imaginative play and role-playing. It's fun to watch her, but joining in can get a little exhausting! Keeping up with her imagination is tough. Especially since she'll show you something like an empty box of saltines and call it a high-rise elevator, but when you try to call a can of tuna fish, say, a merry-go-round, Sophie will say, "That's not a merry-go-round. That's a can of tuna fish." Hmm, I guess it's often said there's a thin line between genius and madness.

Speaking of madness, I have to admit, I'm beginning to wonder if Sophie has a touch of OCD. Her teacher at preschool has said Sophie goes through this ritual of having to play certain things during outdoor playtime before she can go back into the classroom. I don't know how much of that is typical three-year-old stuff and how much of that isn't. From my online research, I'm guessing I shouldn't worry. When I asked Sophie about what she does during playtime, she didn't mention having to play certain things. And when I've been at the preschool with her, she sort of just went with the flow. She does like playing on the tree stumps right outside her classroom door, though.

By the way, those pants were from Arlene, who got them from speesees, which has very cute and hip, eco-friendly baby and kids clothes. I really like the company. The clothes are all organic cotton, with low-impact herbal dyes, pigment and pvc-free prints, and all that other good stuff. She gave Chloe this jumper, which looks awfully cute on her. Perfect playclothes for the girls, who happen to like sitting in dirt when they play. Plus, I have a coupon code (I love finding them!), which you can use online, and maybe even at its stores (not sure because I only go online). The speesees promo code is PRIMATES, which will save you 15%. The code never expires and can be used over and over again. And if you're a wholesaler, you'll get free shipping along with wholesale pricing.

OK, it's late and I have lots of play-doh to sweep up before I go to bed. Plus Gumball is starting to stir in her crib. Better go turn on her heater. I'll write about her next time.

A couple of things on my mind

2009-01-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry if you're checking this blog for updates on the girls (or explosions and car crashes, dave) and I keep writing about other stuff. I'll still write about what the girls are up to, but I also wanted to write about a few things that have been on my mind. They stem mostly from me thinking about the divorce. Since any mention of the D-word usually stops a conversation instantly (either in person or by e-mail), I have to get my thoughts out here. Sorry. But check back next week if you want to read about the girls.

So I've been trying to catch up on the blog matt, liz and madeline. If you're a blogging mama (or dad), you've probably heard of it. It's written by Matt Logelin, who started the blog to update family and friends on the pregnancy of his wife, Liz. She died the day after giving birth to Madeline (before even having the chance to hold her), so the blog became a journal about Matt raising his daughter without Liz. Just the pictures often make me teary (the posts always do).

Stumbling across that blog not too long ago made me think a lot about what happened after Chloe was born. I talk about it every now and then because it was a turning point in my life: it gave me a future to look to instead of the uncertainty I felt after leaving my job when Sophie was born. So sure, I'm OK now, but for the 32 or so hours waiting in ER and being admitted to the ICU for a brain hemorrhage, I was scared. How would Joe take care of the babies alone? What will the girls be like if they have to grow up without their mother? Could my mom stand losing another child? I admit, I had those thoughts and a bunch of others. And reading Matt Logelin's posts gives me insight on many of them (yeah, maybe not the thought about my mom, though).

I'm very lucky to have my two girls. Going through this divorce and finding myself a single mom is tough, but at least I have an idea of what I face. The hardships will eventually end, and things will be better. They already are. But providing hope to someone depending on you after yours has been taken away is a whole lot tougher. I don't need to experience it to be sure.

Another thing I was thinking about was a question on Heather Armstrong's site Dooce.com, which is like the mother of all mommy blogs. The question was, "What's more difficult: marriage or motherhood?" My answer, without a doubt, is marriage. My marriage has been difficult from day one. I think most people's are. But Joe and I never came together the way Sophie and I did, or Chloe and I did, or Sophie, Chloe and I did. We never even bonded the way I have with some of my closest friends. Maybe you're thinking I'm just saying all this now because we're going through a divorce. But no, it was a much dreaded topic that I used to bring up regularly. I'm sure Joe feels the same (although it may not bother him as it does me). So how do you fix a problem like that? Obviously I don't know.

Marriage is hard. Much more so than I ever imagined, because love was never difficult for me until my relationship with Joe. I just didn't know it came in so many varying degrees. Either I love someone fully or I don't. Joe's "obligatory love" seemed to me to be an oxymoron. I didn't know what to do with that. As hard as motherhood can be, at least I know I will always love the girls without a feeling of obligation (unconditionally is the word I think most people use). And I hope that the girls will return that love. With marriage, I know love isn't unconditional; it requires lots of maintenance. I guess that's why it's so difficult. I realize that I have a lot more to learn.

OK, the girls will be back next week!

Bittersweet, but moving on

2009-01-04T23:46:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! I wanted to write something before the new year, but I just didn't have the energy. And with a bunch of divorce stuff coming up, I really haven't been in the mood to write much.

Nearly every morning since we returned from our Christmas holiday in Vegas, the girls and I (and sometimes Amah, who's in town now) have been going on walks around the neighborhood. Sophie rides the new tricycle she received from Santa while Gumball rides in the wagon. The walks remind me of my gestational diabetes days, except I'm not in a hurry to return home to test my blood sugars. We take our time. We always pass a tree with beautiful falling leaves, and the girls spend a while searching for just the right leaf to give to Amah. It's fun being out with the girls. We comment on our neighbors' holiday lights displays, we say hello to passing joggers, and Chloe barks and meows at all the dogs and cats we see. What a great start to 2009!

Seeing all the joggers and bicyclists makes me think about new year resolutions. I didn't make any officially, but I'm sure I can think of several. One would be to close the door behind me and keep moving forward. Looking back at my years after grad school is difficult right now, even though there were a lot of good things that happened during those years. But for now, I can only think about the future: the girls' and mine.

Until now, I hadn't wanted to write much about what I'm going through with this divorce. It's gotten pretty ugly, and I just want to get through it as quickly as possible. I have a number of friends who have been helping me through each stage, but unfortunately, most of them aren't in Long Beach. I'm so grateful to the ones who are, though, as well as to the ones who aren't.

And of course my family has been a huge source of support. My mom has been in town helping me out. She leaves tomorrow which makes me feel really, really sad. It's nice to have someone other than the girls around to talk to and eat with, and, well, to just have around. She was a big help to me when I had that brain hemorrhage after Chloe was born, and she's a big help to me now.

It's tough at times being out here alone with the girls. I don't always know what's going on in Sophie's head, but I can tell, like me, she goes through good days and bad days. I hate to see her go through this, but mostly she seems OK. Chloe doesn't really know much else, so I think she's more used to the change. Lately she's been having some real separation anxiety, though. She has to hold my hand no matter where we go or what she does. Maybe that's just normal development, but ugh. My instinct is to just hold the girls really close during these tough times. I want to protect them from the world. I know this is just the beginning, and I've got a long way to go with them. I often watch families with older children and I think, wow, some day Sophie and Chloe will be that old. What an adventure that's gotta be. And as tough as it might be, I'm absolutely looking forward to it.

School starts up again for Sophie and me in a week. I hope I won't be forced to quit school to find work to support the girls on my own. That just may happen. If I quit school, Sophie won't be able to attend her preschool, so I hope it doesn't happen. She loves her school. I just can't let myself think about that stuff. Besides, I'm pretty resourceful. No matter what happens, I'll get us through. I just keep telling myself how nice things will be for the girls and me when all the pieces of our lives fall into place. That day will come, hopefully sooner than later, but I'll be patient.

Stomach bug 3, Weatherwood 0

2008-12-15T00:09:00.000-08:00

Poor Sophie can't sleep tonight, which means I can't either.

She's sick again. Just the sniffles from what is apparently just a slight cold. Last week, she had some sort of stomach virus, which I seemed to have gotten from her later in the week. From what I experienced, it was awful. And painful. And it wasn't pretty. Especially not after I had given Sophie some hot chocolate to drink earlier in the day. She puked it up all over the kitchen, the hallway, the bathroom, herself, and me. Chloe was spared, but not wanting to feel left out, she ventured into the kitchen and stepped into Sophie's hot chocolate spray and slipped in it. Yucko.

Sophie puked a few more times that day, including on the way to the doctor's office. It wasn't an appointment for her, but for me. I had scheduled it nearly three months ago, and not knowing what my health insurance status will be after the divorce, I didn't want to miss it. I hadn't seen the doctor since my six-week postpartum visit, so I sadly had to drag Chloe and a sick Sophie along with me. Sophie did OK, and even found a way to be comfortable while we sat in the waiting room. She was a real trouper.

That Sunday and Monday night when Sophie was sick was pretty rough. But, she was doing much better by Tuesday and even went to preschool. Gumball didn't seem to catch that particular stomach bug the way we did. Instead hers went straight through her GI tract. So no vomiting, but lots of, well, you know. It was pretty explosive, and pretty much all day long. Wow. Now I love Chloe lots, but whew, did that baby stink!

Between Sophie's vomiting and Chloe's explosive diapers, the bathtub was getting a lot of use this past week. But those midday baths were what made the days not so bad. The way I see it, midday baths are a type of pampering, like visiting the day spa in the middle of the week. Pure luxury. Especially since the heater is working again. And you know, I kind of enjoy the whole snuggling with the baby after she's clean part. I just gotta convince Sophie that she isn't too old for that!

PS. More photos are up on the Shutterfly site.

A few good weeks

2008-12-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

OK, I've neglected the blog because I've been pretty busy. It's the end of the semester, but with only one class and the final left, I still have two quizzes (including two essays for one!), a lecture exam and, of course, the final. How is that possible?!?! But it is. So I'm taking a much needed break for now, and I'll get back to studying this weekend. I hope I'll have enough time because I've got lots to study!

So these past couple of weeks have been pretty much good news. Even if there was anything bad, I've forgotten it already. First, we found Curioso. Yay!! He was in the garage across the street when Sophie and I rescued him, but I don't think he was in there for the entire time he was missing, which was nearly three weeks. He looked skinny and needed water, but he's alive and well and back with us. And he was back just in time for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was good. My mom came to visit, which was great. The girls were thrilled to see Amah and had a fun time with her. On Thanksgiving morning, she watched the girls while I cooked. It was actually the easiest Thanksgiving so far. The girls and I slept in until 8AM, yet I still had the turkey and everything else on the table to eat by 2PM. Usually I'm trying hard to have the bird ready before Joe leaves for work at 3 or 4PM. I think this was the first year in which Joe didn't have to work. Ironic, eh? But I invited him over to eat with us and the girls were happy.

We didn't have as many Thanksgiving leftovers this year as usual, even before I sent some home with Joe. But that was probably a good thing because I realized the next day that the refrigerator wasn't cooling. Our fridge, which is just 5 years old, is a lemon. This is the second time in 18 months in which the defrost heater has stopped working, meaning the fridge is too warm and everything thaws, melts and makes a mess in the freezer. Luckily we have a mini-fridge in the outside bonus room where our outdoor bar area is. It's big enough to hold two gallons of milk for the girls and essential other items. I've had to toss out a lot, but, oh well. Joe is letting me use his freezer for a bunch of our frozen items, so that's a big help. At least the girls' fish sticks won't go bad!

So, the repairman for our lemon came on Monday to tell me, "Yep, the defrost heater is broken." But he's unable to fix it for at least a week until the part comes. And I paid him for that visit. But hopefully in about another week, the fridge will be working. Although, for all the money I spent fixing that fridge and on the groceries I've had to toss out, I could have purchased another one equally as nice (although not the same brand! Never again, this brand). But, the good news is that I've been baking various frozen items before they go bad, and that has helped heat the house. Because the wall furnace that has to heat our entire, albeit tiny, house isn't working.

I told you last time that I lit the pilot light, but apparently the heater just wouldn't kick on. A couple of friends came over to take a look, but something was definitely not working. They actually did a lot of the hard work, pretty much figuring out that the problem had to be either the thermocouple or the valve. They replaced the thermocouple, the heater still didn't work, so guess what? Must be the valve. It was. I had a nice guy from the gas company take a look and give me a heads up on what the problem could be, but he couldn't fix it (liability reasons). So I called my gas repairman (don't we all have one? if you don't, I highly recommend mine) who, at last, fixed the heater. Whew! It was getting pretty cold in the house at night. The girls have their electric oil heaters, but I was freezing in two layers of performance fleece. So yay again, in addition to Curioso, heat has also returned to Weatherwood!

Next (yes, there's more), our plumbing has been backing up. I've plunged the problem away a couple of times, but by the third time, I knew it was time to call the plumber, or in this case, plumbers, because it turned out to be a two-man job that involved climbing up on the roof to get to that clean-out. Now, I happen to really like my plumbers, and the reason is because, unlike so many other service repairmen (not including my gas man), they don't talk down to me because I'm a woman. In fact, they often say to me, you could do it yourself if you wanted to, which was the reason I replaced the kitchen faucet. Anyway, they cleared the main line, both inside the house and outside, and figured out the problem I had with my toilet tank overfilling. Hooray! I told you these were some good weeks. It feels great to know that I can manage our household on my own.

Where are you, Curioso?

2008-11-16T23:16:00.000-08:00

Still no sign of Curioso. And I think Linty is feeling a bit stressed over his absence. She's just been moping around outside, hanging out by the driveway fence, or else she's been sleeping all day long inside. I guess that's typical cat behavior, but I can tell she's acting a little different. Every now and then she starts to wail a little. I kind of know how she feels.

It's hard thinking about the possibility that Curioso may not come back. Sophie is pretty sad about him being missing. Every so often she says she misses him sooo much. UGH! Overall, though, she's handling it pretty well. If she doesn't think about him, she's OK. But I put up signs, searched the neighborhood nearly every day, asked neighbors, and checked the SPCLA animal shelter with the girls. I even listened into garages and shook food near crawl space openings. All I can say is UGH! I miss Curioso sooo much, too.

We didn't go outside to look for Curioso today because the Santa Ana winds were bringing smoke and ash down here from the SoCal wildfires. It looks and smells like a big ashtray outside. Earlier this morning, the sky was a weird shade of orange, and the temperature topped out at 90º! I feel bad for all those people losing their homes. It's a tragedy I just can't imagine going through. I feel lucky in that way.

So of all days, today I decided to figure out the heater. It wasn't working earlier, and then it warmed up a bit so I left it alone for a few weeks. Despite the warm weather during the day, it had been really cold at night a few nights ago, so this morning I finally took the time to look at it. The girls have portable heaters in their rooms, but the rest of the house gets pretty chilly at night and in the mornings when there's no heat. So I got out the hair dryer to blow the dust out of the heater, checked the pilot and thermocouple, then lit the pilot. I don't know if it's working. I think so, but it hasn't kicked on yet (it's warmer than usual in the house tonight). But I'm not sure if the pilot flame is too high since I never really looked at it before. And I hear it hissing. Is that normal? If you know anything about wall-mounted gas heaters, write me a comment and let me know!! I remember last year, the heater was slow to turn on for the first time, but it did kick on just out of the blue one random night. I don't remember hearing it hiss this loud, though, when there was no heat coming out of it. Hmm.

Our 44th president and our cat Curioso

2008-11-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote. Of course, we have a brand new president-elect, which I'm quite happy about. This was probably the first election that I can honestly say I was thrilled about my vote. (And I had no doubts about him winning, so I felt pretty good the entire day.) To put it simply, I like Obama. No, he's not as progressive as I'd like, but he's progressive enough (his FISA vote notwithstanding), and did I mention, he's the president-elect. That's a start. I doubt we'll have the universal healthcare plan our nation really needs, and which was a main selling point for me, but I think what he has to offer is not just better than our other options available, but a start in the right direction. I think he has the potential of being a great president. I hope he proves me right.

Another reason I like Obama, I admit, is because he was a law professor at the University of Chicago before he was elected to the Illinois state senate. You used to be able to pull up his CV on the law school faculty site. Also, he lives in Hyde Park and his family does Sunday brunch at the Medici. As a U of C alum and former Hyde Park resident, I think that's pretty cool. Although it would be far cooler if our new president-elect was also a big fan of Harold's chicken. Ah, the South Side.

On a down note this week, one of our cats, Curioso, has been missing for five days. I'm so sad. I've been so busy, I didn't even notice he wasn't around for days. I don't know what to tell the girls. I looked around the neighborhood so many times, and the animal control and shelter is closed until Wednesday, so I haven't been able to check with them, yet. I'm worried. It's not like him to not stay close to home. It had rained pretty hard for a few nights, but I can't believe he wouldn't come home if he could. It's been hard asking neighbors since I'm usually with the girls, and I don't want to say anything to them yet. Man, I hope he comes home. Please come home, Curioso! Linty seems a little worried. She meows looking out the window a lot as if she's waiting for him to return. Ugh. Ugh.

Election Day 2008

2008-11-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

Today I took the girls with me to the polls to vote for our next president.

The halls of Buffum

2008-10-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

On Fridays, the girls and I make our way to Buffum, the elementary school across the park from us. Sophie has her speech class there. While she's working with the speech therapist on her articulation of certain consonants, Chloe and I hang out in and around the school's front office. It's not often that I have time alone with Chloe while she's awake, so for that half hour every Friday morning, it's kind of nice.

Chloe is a curious kid, as pretty much all 1-year-olds are. Instead of staying in the office, she likes to wander up and and down the halls of Buffum, usually stopping to sit on one of the benches that line the hallways. She also likes to pet and bark at the school's mascot, or at least a ceramic version of the mascot, which is a bulldog named Buffy. The ceramic dog sits outside the front office and reminds me of the ceramic animals Wheel of Fortune contestants were forced to buy to use up the remainder of their winnings back in the day when they had to "purchase" their prizes.

Today, when Chloe was petting the dog, a little boy walking down the hall said, "Hey look, she's petting the dog." The tone was maybe two-thirds delight mixed with one-third disbelief and a dash of admiration. Hearing it definitely made me laugh. (I was also amazed that the boy knew Chloe was a girl. Most people assume she's a boy because of her lack of hair, particularly when she's dressed in neutral colors, as she was today.)

The boy's comment was such an honest statement of fact that it made me appreciate kids at that age and what they have to say. Sophie will get there soon, if she isn't there already. Chloe still isn't doing much but repeating the words she hears, albeit in her own brand of cavebaby speak. She has a small vocabulary that consists mostly of mama, dada, boon (for both spoon and balloon), rock, cracker, meow, quack quack, and more milk, please. But what she can't say using her mouth, she definitely gets across using her eyes. It's amazing how easy it is to understand your child through nonverbal communication. I mean, it's hard enough to understand what some adults are saying at times! I'm quite curious as to what it'll be like when Sophie and Chloe can actually hold real conversations. And you know, that day will probably be here before I know it.

Sweetest Day with the girls

2008-10-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

I just learned that today is Sweetest Day, a holiday most likely concocted by confectioners to sell more candy. The girls and I spent the day in La Puente at the Harvest Festival put on by Evergreen Baptist Church. It was a lot of fun. We were invited by a friend, Suann, who along with her husband, are probably two of the sweetest people I've met. The event was mainly for kids, with all sorts of game booths, a bounce house and a slide. There was a pie-eating contest, an obstacle course, and I think a potato-sack race. Typical festival stuff, but I hadn't been to a typical fair in quite a while. And even though it wasn't our community, it was really nice to hang out with someone else's.

Sophie's favorite part of the festival was the slide. It was the perfect height for her. The previous night, we were at the pumpkin patch on PCH with some other friends, and it had a much taller slide there which Sophie was too afraid to go on. But this one today, she was ready for. To see her slide down made me laugh. She enjoyed it so much. After she hit the bottom, she'd scramble back up to go again. Chloe could only watch from her stroller, but I'm sure she was thinking, next year.

Sophie's next favorite thing about the day was the giant bunch of about a dozen helium balloons Suann's husband gave to the girls. Driving home with them next to me in the passenger seat was no easy task, but it was well worth it, seeing Sophie walk everywhere with them for most of the night when we returned home. And when Sophie didn't have them, Gumball did, saying "boon" over and over again as she dragged them along. It was incredibly cute.

So as I already mentioned, last night we went to the pumpkin patch. We go every year with some friends and their son, Noah. Sophie is a big fan of the pumpkin patch. She talked about it all day and even took a good nap beforehand to feel refreshed for our outing. Chloe took a great nap, too, so by evening time, we were ready.

Chloe doesn't get to ride many rides because she's still so little, but she did get on a few at the pumpkin patch, including the train and the flying pink elephants. She was so happy when she could get out of the stroller and act like a big kid. I wish I had been able to take more photos of her, but it was getting dark and I have only a camera phone to work with. I did manage to take some photos, and this video of Sophie and Noah riding bikes.

OK, tomorrow we may carve the pumpkin Sophie picked out at the pumpkin patch. She wants me to carve a dog's face in it this year (last year I carved a cat's face). I still have to figure out Sophie's costume for Halloween. She wanted to go out as a ghost, with her favorite blanket just thrown over her head. Luckily she's giving it second thoughts and now says she wants to be a ladybug again this year. Hey, who's going to remember?

The sweet life

2008-10-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Sophie said something to me that put a big smile on my face. She said when she grows up, she wants to be just like me and create lots of stuff. I asked her what kind of stuff and she said, like doughnuts and cookies, all sorts of things! Apparently Sophie sees me not only as the person who can fix anything, but also as someone who can make all sorts of yummy treats.

Lately we've been cooking and baking a lot. In the mornings when it's a bit chilly, it's nice to use the oven. And Sophie is always wanting to grab a chair and help bake something. Chloe, not wanting to be left out, grabs a chair, too, and stands next to Sophie watching. It's fun. We made amaretti cookies the other day. And tonight, with the spare egg yolks we made custard for a late night snack before going out to watch the stars.

The doughnuts we made a couple of weeks ago, when Sophie wanted to go across the street to get doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. They're kind of a luxury right now, so to avert a mega meltdown, I suggested we make our own instead. Wow, was that a good idea. In addition to learning how to make actual doughnuts ourselves, Sophie also learned to patiently wait for the yeast to make the doughnuts rise. She even picked out a nice warm sunny spot to put the dough while we waited. I think Sophie was very proud of our doughnuts when they were ready to eat. Especially since she was the one who punched her little thumb into the centers to make the holes. When we were sitting around eating them, I couldn't help but think how nice it was to be able to create such a simple pleasure in life. Not the doughnuts, but the experience of making them with Sophie (Chloe was napping) and then sitting with the two girls to enjoy them.

Perfection is overrated

2008-10-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

I stole these from the blog of a friend, who got them from the 2003 Errol Morris documentary, "The Fog of War: Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara."

1. Empathize with your enemy.
2. Rationality will not save us.
3. There’s something beyond one’s self.
4. Maximize efficiency.
5. Proportionality should be a guideline in war.
6. Get the data.
7. Belief and seeing are both often wrong.
8. Be prepared to reexamine your reasoning.
9. In order to do good, you may have to engage in evil.
10. Never say never.
11. You can’t change human nature.

I like those lessons. They remind me that conflict is natural and mistakes are inevitable. But if you can accept both head-on, they can be extremely beneficial.

I've met a few people in my life who would disagree with that last sentence. I mean, we all know at least one person who avoids conflict through passive aggression, and there's always that someone who never honestly admits to being wrong. But facing conflict is how we stand up for what we believe in, and admitting our mistakes is how we learn. To do either takes courage.

Lately, I've been trying to teach Sophie that we all make mistakes. I see her get frustrated a lot when she's working on something and she makes a mistake, like coloring too far outside the line or not gluing something just right. Or I see her get mad at Chloe for unintentionally knocking over some towering masterpiece Sophie's just created. I try to explain to Sophie that mistakes happen, but they're OK, as long as we accept and learn from them. That it's impossible to expect perfection from others, or from ourselves. I tell her I make mistakes all the time. And I'll continue to make tons more (although let's hope I won't keep making the same ones, and that they'll be relatively minor ones).

Hopefully teaching Sophie to acknowledge her own mistakes will help her forgive others for theirs. Particularly poor Chloe, who just can't help knocking over those tall structures Sophie leaves all over the house. I also hope Sophie's life will be easier knowing that no one expects her to be perfect. Hard-working and honest, yes, but perfect, no.

Getting through the days with a little public art

2008-09-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

Not much time to write this week. The girls and school have been keeping me busy. But here's what we did today:

It was a fun outing. Getting out early in the morning is key. Not too hot and girls aren't yet sleepy, hungry or otherwise cranky. But Sophie woke up earlier than usual today (just after 6a!), which can be difficult for me since I usually get to bed late. The only time I really have to study is after the girls go to bed, and by that time, I'm exhausted from the day. But I'm proud to say that as a single mom taking care of two girls, two cats and a house with an extremely dry lawn, so far, I'm doing pretty well. I've managed to keep up in my class and do well, although I have to thank my study instructor for that. I would fall way behind if I didn't have him drilling in yesterday's lecture. So thanks, Kevin! As difficult as things get, I know the girls depend on me, so I just think about them, and that's enough to keep me going. I don't mind the hard work because the rewards are so great: the girls. A fun outing like today's is enough to keep me going. And some day, I'll look back on this time and congratulate myself and the girls for getting through this hard period.

Hard is probably the best way to describe what the girls and I are going through right now. It's hard on them because they miss their father. It's hard on me because I have the task of helping them adjust. It's also hard on me knowing (from being repeatedly reminded) how little the last 13 years of my life meant to Joe. I can't, and don't particularly want to, just throw those years away, especially since I want the girls to know that there were once happy times that we shared. Why take that away from them? Those 13 years meant something to me, and I don't want to sully them just out of spite.

Another reason these days have been difficult is because I've been really worried about my mom. She was in a pretty bad car accident about a couple of months ago and had some bleeding in her brain. Having been there after Chloe was born, I know how miserable that makes you feel. What I know now, though, that I didn't really realize then, is how scary hearing that kind of news actually is. And how helpless you feel when something like that happens to the people you love. Plus, all the stresses of my life are pouring over into hers (she is my mom!) which isn't helping her health any. She's suffering a bout of shingles now on top of everything else. Stress is a common cause of shingles. So I wish she wouldn't worry about me so much because compared to her, I'm doing great. But I'm a mom, too, and I know that it's impossible to ever stop worrying about your kids. So Ma, you don't have to stop worrying, but please, just take a break from it until you feel better, which I hope is really soon.

Preschool, outside, and a sad ending

2008-09-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

OK, I haven't written in a while for two reasons: First, my classes have been occupying most of my free time. I started my fall class, Anatomy, which requires quite a bit of studying. And second, I've been watching the girls on my own more because Joe moved out, this time for good. After seven years married and 13 years together, we mutually decided to end our marriage. Maybe this news comes as a big shock, but to most of you who have known the situation of our marriage since pretty much the beginning, I'm sure it comes as no surprise. And most of you who read this blog regularly already know. So that's actually a third reason I haven't written, because extricating yourself from a marriage zaps a lot of time and energy out of you. I wouldn't wish it on anyone if they could help it. Any support would be truly appreciated. For any member of our family.

I'm not going to get into the specifics of our marriage here (this post will probably ruffle some feathers as it is). The marriage was filled with many happy times and had its rewards (namely two of them), but marriage evolves. And hopefully you learn things about your spouse, and if you're honest enough, about yourself, and you grow together. Or else you don't.

The girls are doing OK, although Sophie goes through some rough patches. She wishes things were different, as do I, but I think she'll understand when she's older. I've been doing my best to help her adjust, but it's not easy. There's a good book by Constance Ahrons called "We're Still Family" that looks at the children of divorced parents (the same parents from her earlier study published in her book "The Good Divorce") and finds that the children can get through divorce just fine. But it takes real discipline (for the parents), especially getting through these first difficult months. The girls seem as happy as before for the most part, so I think they're doing OK, although I guess I won't really know the truth for another 30 or so years. I think for all of us, it's safe to say our lives are more peaceful, which is important for the girls' sake. And hopefully things will get better after the wounds heal. Hopefully.

So, Sophie has started preschool. She goes for three hours a day, two days a week, and she tells me she enjoys it. The teachers tell me she's still a little reserved, but she has made a friend already. Her name is Samantha. There doesn't seem to be many girls in Sophie's class, maybe only a handful compared to probably more than a dozen boys. Samantha just turned 4 y.o. and invited Sophie to her birthday party. It was a pool party, which is Sophie's favorite kind of party (well, it has to have cake, too), so she had a lot of fun.

I think preschool is good for Sophie since she doesn't interact with other children too much. Plus the center focuses on child development and teaches the same parenting philosophy I try to teach the girls: self-control, empathy, making choices and learning from them, that all emotions are good, stuff like that. The center is part of my school, so luckily Sophie's able to go because I'm taking nursing prereqs. (I heard there was a year and a half wait to get in if you're not a student!) Last week, I met with Sophie's teachers, and I thought they were both friendly and supportive. I'll be working with them a little bit because I have to volunteer eight hours helping in Sophie's classroom. That should be fun because I really enjoyed my days during grad school when I worked at the preschool in Chelsea just off Union Square.

Chloe is doing well with the babysitter, Janessa, while I'm in class and Sophie's in preschool. When she's not taking her nap, Chloe usually goes outside to play with Janessa. Like her older sister, Chloe is a big fan of playing outside. If she hears the word "outside" or "go somewhere" she immediately gets her hat, puts it on, then brings me her shoes to put on. She also brings me my shoes and gives Sophie her shoes (even though Sophie doesn't wear them too often). Chloe is so unbelievably cute, although Sophie was the same way at that age, so I guess it's actually fairly believable.

OK, enough for now. There are new photos on the Shutterfly site, which has a fancy new design (the family photo link is on the right). I still have more photos to add, but for now, that's it. Joe has additional photos of the girls on his own site, which I put a link to from my site. Also, if the slide photos are missing in the window above, click on the x in the upper right hand corner to make the slide.com ad go away.

Just a quick update

2008-07-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

For the time being, I'm probably going to be writing less often. I've been extremely busy taking care of the girls and going to summer school, so for the next three weeks or so, I probably won't have much time. But here's a quick update on the girls.

Chloe has become a walkaholic. She's up on her feet and down the hall every chance she gets. She also loves to go outside and walk up and down the driveway. At times, she's still a little wibbly-wobbly, as Sophie would say, but she seems fairly steady, walking longer distances. It's safe to say she's actually walking, not just taking steps.

Sophie is doing OK, although Chloe's new found mobility has been putting a crimp on Sophie's playtime activities. She still prefers Chloe to "play over there," but unfortunately Chloe always wants to play with her big sister. Everything her big sister does, she wants to do. Which reminds me, Sophie informed me the other day that Chloe has been peeing in the potty while I'm in class. Sure enough, when Sophie and I are in the bathroom, Chloe bangs on the spare potty, attempts to take off her pants and diaper and tries to sit on the potty. She has peed in the potty for me four or five times in two days. Apparently she's peed twice for Joe. Anything to be like the big girls I guess. She's so happy when I applaud her accomplishment, I hope she keeps doing it just so I can see that great big smile of hers. I think the novelty will wear off for her eventually since she's still pretty young. But at least it's planting some sort of seed I think.

I've been working with Sophie on her articulation during the summer. She's much better with her Ws and Hs, as well as her Ls. I'm trying to get those Fs down, but they're a little more difficult. Today though she figured the sound out and I think will get it eventually if she practices more. I'm hoping by the time she starts preschool in three weeks, she'll be able to speak more clearly.

OK, time to study and/or sleep.

Busy end of summer and some good news

2008-07-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

This past week has been busy. I started my summer session class, which is pretty intensive. Between it and taking care of the girls, I've had no spare time to even stop and brush my teeth. The class is called interpersonal communication and fulfills another GE requirement. So far, it's a lot of work, but it's a pretty good class with a good instructor. Thank you, ratemyprofessors.com!

So this past week was filled with some good news. First, the nice people at BATTAT sent us a new Parents Kitty Keyboard. Hooray! The girls were both so excited when Luis, our favorite UPS guy, dropped the package off. They both wanted to immediately pull out that karaoke mike on the cat and start singing. But even more fun than the actual toy was the box filled with corn starch peanuts that the toy came in. Forget karaoke, covering mommy's bed with a layer of peanuts is more fun!

The other piece of good news was that I found a babysitter! Whew. She's seems very nice and friendly with the girls, so already I love her. This Monday is her first day, so I'll see how the girls react to her. She'll be helping me out a couple times a week, which should help give me time to study. I've been having to pull all-nighters just to get my work done, and it's taking its toll. I need sleep! Even as I write this, I'm falling asleep, which means, time for bed.

Chloe turns 1 and benefits of being a sister

2008-07-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last update. Probably the biggest events with the kids these past couple of weeks were Chloe's birthday on July 2 and her walking. Her walking started out slow with two or three steps the day after her first birthday, but now she can walk maybe about three or four feet without stopping for a rest. It's exciting to see. Every day, all day long almost, she grabs onto my hand or my skirt, pulls herself up, and insists on walking with me somewhere. Anywhere. She's addicted to walking. It's such a joy watching her. I've found her up during the night walking in her crib.

For Chloe's birthday, we drove out to Vegas. We celebrated there with my mom. Joe's parents were going to be there in Vegas, also, but unfortunately, in the end, couldn't make it. I do feel a little sad that Chloe didn't get the big birthday party we threw for Sophie, but I think she'll understand. She was happy enough to eat two of the mini cupcakes that Sophie wanted to buy for her. Sophie picked them out and was so happy to get them for Chloe's birthday. She held them all during the car ride home to keep them safe. Sure, I know Sophie just wanted to eat them herself, but it was pretty cute when Sophie made sure Chloe got a cupcake, saying, "Here you go, Chloe."

It's funny, Sophie loves her treats as much as any 3 year old would, but she's often willing to share them with Chloe. Today, she gave Chloe a sip of her chocolate milk to try, now that she knows Chloe can drink cow's milk. Another time, she opened a Tootsie Pop and tried to stuff it into Chloe's mouth. Chloe is all too willing to take anything her big sister will give to her: a chocolate pretzel, ice cream, various Asian dried fish products, cake, cookies, seasoned prepared seaweed (nori), a Pez candy, sparkling water with lemon, trail mix, extra large blackberry. It's really endearing to watch Sophie feed Chloe, or insist on feeding her. For the items I tell her are too big for Chloe, she offers to mush them up "so Chloe won't choke." You know, Sophie may say that she only loves Chloe some of the times, but I know otherwise.

Photos, Kitty Keyboard update and news about a friend

2008-06-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone (perhaps all two of you) know there are new photos on the Shutterfly site. Not as many as I have of these past several months, but enough for now. Just click on "family photos" over there to the right.

So I wanted to share this update: I heard from the people over at BATTAT, makers of the Parents Kitty Keyboard which I mentioned in a previous post back in May. They are going to replace the toy. Hooray! I have to mail it back first, however, which won't be that easy, since it's a bit on the large, awkward size. But once they receive it, they'll send us another one back. Sophie was so excited, she wanted to pack the toy up immediately and take it to the post office. Let's just hope the woman I spoke to, Karrie, makes good on her promise. (I made her promise that the toy would come back to us working because I didn't want my girls to cry. I said that. I did.)

While that was certainly some good news, today was not all filled with good news. I learned that a friend and former coworker died. He had just turned 36 earlier this month. It was shocking news to hear. While I didn't cry the way I did when I heard about a close friend's sister dying, I did feel an immense sadness. I'm still stunned beyond belief.

I've experienced the deaths of friends before, both young and very young, and I can honestly say that each time I've heard the news, I felt as if I had been punched in the chest. My heart goes out to his family. Goodnight, J.M.

Heat, Sesame Street and a crawfish movie

2008-06-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today is the longest day of the year, and with temperatures reaching 97º in Long Beach, I would say it's probably the hottest day of the year, too. So far, anyway. We put in a window unit air conditioner last year after Chloe was born, and man am I glad we did that. If it's this hot in June, I dread how much hotter it'll get by August. And sure, I know it's not as hot and sticky here as in the Midwest, but then, I'm paying a Southern California mortgage, so I want Southern California weather. Enough of this heat and humidity!

Sophie doesn't seem to mind this hot weather. She goes outside to play in a winter hat sometimes. Of course, it doesn't stay on her for long. Her hats never do. Mostly, in this heat, Sophie just lies on the grass and "daydreams." In fact, she does that even when it's not a hot day out. She and Chloe roll around on a blanket and before you know it, an hour has gone by. But today, I did notice Sophie languishing in the heat. At least she takes her nap during the hottest part of the day.

Naptime is actually going well. The girls and I have a bit of a routine down, which makes things a whole lot easier. I've been trying to teach Chloe to self-soothe and sleep in her crib, and so far, it's working. For the past four days, she's been taking all her naps in the crib. Yes! She's also capable of putting herself to sleep at night, although it's not always easy. Overall, I do think things are a little easier than they were with Sophie. And by easier, I mean I'm more experienced. And by more experienced, I mean patient.

There are always things I think about blogging, but I usually forget them. One of those things was that we went to see the Sesame Street production, "Elmo Grows Up," a couple weeks ago. It was at the L.B. Terrace Theatre, so we figured we'd go. Sophie's and Chloe's friend, Maxine, and her family joined us. It was a lot of fun. Chloe sat in my lap and moved her little body along to the music. At one point, I swear she was cabbage patching. Sophie was mesmerized throughout the whole show. Her review of it: "I liked it, but part of it was scary." She didn't care too much for the scene with the Teddy Bear Picnic song. She said it was scary when Bert and friends lied down during the song to sleep with their teddy bears in the forest. I admit, it was a little odd seeing big costumed characters trying to lie down on stage. I think it was more weird than scary, though. During intermission, Joe took Sophie to buy a big Mylar Elmo balloon. Typically, at 8 bucks, you'd think it was a bit of a Sesame Street shakedown, but the balloon is still floating on the ceiling two weeks later. Not bad.

So I'm trying to put together some albums to share on the Shutterfly site, but I've been procrastinating. Actually, I've been reading more, and there's only so much time at the end of the day to get things done (my addiction to Attack!, Facebook's version of Risk, doesn't help much either). I just started "Against the Day" by Thomas Pynchon, so those albums may take a while. A long while. But, in the meantime, as you can tell from the photos above, I've found this nifty way of showing photo slides. And thanks to a friend of Matt K.'s, here's also a nice photo movie of how we spent much of father's day. I call it a photo movie because the creator, John, took rapid-fire photos and put them together to make the movie. For three minutes, that's a lot of photos! A lot of photos.

Oh, one last thing: Congratulations, Jen and Bruce! Tonight was their wedding. We ended up not going, which is unfortunate because I'm sure, knowing Jen, it was fabulous. But maybe things happen for a reason because Joe was called to serve federal jury duty and ended up on a trial in deliberations right now. He's dying to talk about the case, I know, because he's the holdout causing deliberations to continue.

Happy Father's Day!

2008-06-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Today started off as a typical father's day. Sophie gave Joe a yellow tie and a blue shirt she picked out herself (Chloe would have helped, but she fell asleep while we were shopping, so I picked out a shirt for her). The girls also gave Joe a couple of cards, one with swinging monkeys in it that Sophie colored during story time at the library. Then after a quick diaper/milk/pie run and an even quicker lunch, we headed off to Claremont for a crawfish boil.

Our friend, Matt, who is headed for Portland in a couple of weeks, shipped in 20 pounds of live Louisiana crawfish and boiled 'em up for father's day. That it was father's day, though, may have just been a coincidence. But it certainly made for a fun and memorable day. Thanks to Matt and his parents and other family members. We all had such a good time. Sophie enjoyed watching Matt sort through the live and dead crawfish, and she stood so close to look at them that at times I thought she'd get a crawdad in her hair. A couple of times she reached out to touch them, but didn't. What was even more amazing I think was that when the crawdads came out of the boiling pot, she was actually excited to eat one. In fact, she ate three. Pretty adventurous.

While Sophie did like the crawfish aspect of the little shindig we were at, she really loved the fact that there was a pool and she could go swimming. Armed with her water wings and nestled in a cute ladybug floatie, she played in the water for quite some time. Joe joined her in the pool, as did another friend of ours, John, and his sons, but I guess she felt confident enough in her ladybug floatie that she wanted to push off on her own. She kicked her way down the length of the fairly deep pool, took a rest along the side, then kicked her way back up. Wow. When it was time to eat, Sophie didn't want to come out of the water. The excitement of eating crawfish did eventually lure her out, but once she was done eating, it was back in the pool for Sophie. She didn't even want to come out to eat pie!

Chloe seemed to have a good time, also. She ate watermelon and papaya and crawled around the pool (maintaining a safe distance from it, of course) while Sophie swam. She seemed to like watching everyone, so she was pretty content. Her two top teeth came in a day or so ago, and she had been really fussy (not to mention waking up in the middle of the night a lot), so it was nice to see her calm and curious. (Chloe is also standing some and walking with the assistance of a kitchen chair or the girls' little Push&Ride racer, so those developmental milestones are probably contributing some to her wakeful nights, too. The video below was taken May 29. After taking a short rest, Chloe continued to push the chair past the sink, past the refrigerator and right up to the cats' litter box.)

OK, I'm hoping to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight, so to all you fathers out there, happy father's day! Especially to Joe, and to Chip who's celebrating his first. Unfortunately, my own dad has been gone since 1990, and I realized today that I've almost lived as many years without him as with him. I wish he were still around so he could enjoy being Akung and playing with his two granddaughters and grandson. He had this great smile which I see whenever I picture him, particularly when I think about how happy and proud he would've been of his grandchildren.

I like to think that Sophie's love of fixing things (Handy Manny is one of her favorite TV shows) comes from her Akung. Like my dad, she's a firm believer that all broken things can be fixed. "Open it up and fix it, Mommy!" "Get the screwdriver!" It's cute, except for the fact that, unlike my dad, my fixing ability is limited. I have managed to fix enough things, however, to cause Sophie to believe that all things are possible with a little glue, butterscotch tape (as she calls it), screwdriver, or new batteries. And I've noticed, after telling Sophie how the smell of hardware stores reminds me of Akung and parts of my childhood, Sophie takes deep breaths when we walk into Lowe's or Home Depot. Seeing that makes me smile.

A little of this and that

2008-06-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

We've been busy at Weatherwood these past couple of weeks. First, I finally took on the task of changing the kitchen faucet. It was old, drippy, loose and corroded. I had been meaning to change it for quite some time, but never got around to it. Easy to put off when I'm taking care of the two girls, right? Well, when the plumber was out here about a month ago to fix the old, crummy garbage disposal, he mentioned the drippy faucet. I told him it was too corroded to remove the set screw and he agreed, particularly since he had tried and said he couldn't. Easier to change the whole faucet, he said. So I did. And I added a sprayer. A couple of friends, Peter and Andres, provided me with the tools and muscle I needed to loosen all the nuts holding the seat in place, so I can't actually say I did it on my own. Plus, Joe helped by watching Chloe and by going back to Lowe's to get the parts that were missing from the new faucet. So it was a team effort. And boy do I love having a new faucet. So thanks, fellas, I'll get those tools back to you soon.

Also this week, I started using the new babysitter. Only she never showed up. Nope. Nor did she even call to say what had happened. It's been four days and still haven't heard from her. She was supposed to come over and help me watch the kids after dinner so I could register online for my fall class. She sounded very happy to help, so I don't know what happened. Luckily she was coming over during a night when I didn't absolutely need her. I just took care of the girls while I registered. No big deal. Will I try to use her again, however? Not likely. I'm beginning to lose faith in hiring 23 year olds. Too flaky.

The good news, though, is that I did get into the anatomy section I needed. That I could register for the class at all was lucky, because the anatomy sections close quickly and I've been told I might want to take the class at a different school. This was the second time I tried getting in. The first was utterly unsuccessful. To tell you just how lucky I was, when I checked the class the next day, I found all but the unwanted late evening and the daylong Saturday sections had closed. Whew. I barely got in. But I did, and that's what counts. Hopefully the other two prereq science courses will fall into place afterward, and I'll be able to officially start the nursing program in fall 2010. I'm excited about that, but it also means I'll have to find reliable child care.

So on the subject of child care, this week marked another big moment in Sophie's and our lives. We registered her for preschool. Like Anatomy, it's not that easy getting her into preschool around here. Well, by preschool I mean a preferred preschool. She's going to start this fall at the LBCC Child Development Center, three hours a day for two days a week. We took Sophie to see the place on Thursday when I filled out the paperwork, and she seemed to like it. I'll have to put in 8 hours of parent participation during the semester, which is something I'm looking forward to doing. Of course, I have to start the search for a new babysitter again, but this time to just watch Chloe while I'm in class. I think that will be easier, but still not something I'm looking forward to doing.

OK I'm tired but I have more to write about. Another time. We're going to see a Sesame Street production with Maxine and her family tomorrow morning, so I better get some sleep. I'll try to add photos to this post a little later, also.

R.I.P. Parents Kitty Keyboard

2008-05-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

For a little more than two months, this lovable toy has brought joy to everyone in the family. It died suddenly last week. Cause of death unknown.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised since it is a kid's toy after all. And an electronic one at that. Made in China. But still, it doesn't hurt any less when Gumball pulls on the karaoke microphone, belts out a couple of da-da-das, and doesn't get any amplification. Or when Sophie attempts to play a tune set to a chorus of meows, only to hear a barely audible version of B-I-N-G-O. Our only hope is if I can reach the company that made the toy, BATTAT, via their 1-800 number on the back of the kitty, and they agree to fix it. For cheap. At least the toy taught us a little something about the girls' personalities. Chloe was born to rock, while Sophie is a little chanteuse. And it's probably safe to say that karaoke is in both of their futures.

Semester's done, now to find a new babysitter

2008-05-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today was the final for my Intro to Psych class. It's pretty safe to say I did well. But I am nearly 20 years older than a lot of my fellow classmates, and I'm only taking GE requirements right now. I probably should do well in those classes, or else give back my bachelor's degree to the University of Chicago.

Going back to school is fun. For now, anyway. I don't know how it'll be when I'm actually doing the nursing stuff. So far, the hardest part is finding time to study. The only time I have is after I put the girls to bed for the night, when my brain is demanding sleep, too. At least the two classes I now have under my belt were interesting enough to keep me awake. I got through them, as well as any first semester jitters I may have had. My next class is public speaking, which is another GE requirement. I don't particularly enjoy public speaking, so I'm not really looking forward to it. But since I do get so nervous speaking, even in class, it's probably one I should take. I think it's also the last non-science class I have left. I'm taking it during summer session, which means it's three hours a day, Monday through Thursday, for five weeks. Bleh. At least it will be over in five weeks, right?

I feel like things are really coming together with the nursing school plans, but one wrinkle that's come up is that Joe will be switching his work hours to the daytimes. Still at the PT in the news department, but not dealing with the late night cops. I don't know how that will all go, but I do know we'll need a new babysitter. Hopefully, the one I just met will work out. The last one we had was so wonderful, but after watching the girls alone for the first time, she apparently doesn't want a second time. I don't know her reasons, but I don't blame her. If nothing else, it's hard taking care of two kids that young and close in age. Harder, at least, than I think someone in her early 20s would think, unless, of course, she already had kids of her own.

It's funny, in my search for babysitters, I lean toward older ones who have had kids of their own close in age. I figure they would know what to expect taking care of the girls because they had gone through the experience. Well, unfortunately, I think they know the experience too well. No takers. Not a single one of the four I contacted was interested in the job. But the young one I spoke to was very gung-ho about it. So I hope she works out. Joe and I will at least get to go out for our seventh wedding anniversary, I'm hoping.

Random things I've been wanting to mention

2008-05-25T02:08:00.000-07:00

Bjorn free! Friday was story time at our library. I usually take the girls every Friday. Sophie has me sit on the floor next to her and Chloe hangs out in the Bjorn. Well, the past couple of story times I decided to leave the Bjorn at home and either hold Chloe or let her sit on the floor, too. Chloe loves it. She's free! She crawls around and watches to see what everyone is doing. She claps and smiles and coos. It's nice. I think I became dependent on the Bjorn to help me watch the girls whenever we went out, but at the library, there's space for Chloe to explore, so why not let her? The downside, though, is that she usually takes a nap during that time, but when she's free of the Bjorn, she just wants to watch and play. But hopefully that means a longer lunchtime nap for her. Yeah, right.

Incidentally, Chloe usually takes her lunchtime nap in the Bjorn. I've tried to get her in the crib, and she has slept there on a number of occasions, but it's risky. Those naps can last anywhere from two seconds to two hours, with the mode being a tie between five seconds and 90 minutes. But for her morning nap, lately, Chloe has been sleeping in the crib. Joe and I both realized she would fall asleep in her doorway jumper, so before she falls completely asleep, we whisk her out and into her crib. So far, it's been working (knock on wood). She sleeps for about 40 minutes, usually.

One last thing about Chloe's sleeping habits. She's been sleeping through the night! She goes down at around eight and wakes up around six. Most times, I can get her back to sleep for another hour, though, and she wakes up again around 7.30ish when Sophie gets up. The key for Gumball sleeping through the night: I finally stopped nursing her when she woke up before six. It was a difficult process, but we did it. Let's hope it lasts.

OK, before I write more and forget this thought, I wanted to say I'm sorry I haven't been posting regularly. I try to write on the weekends when Joe can help out with Chloe, but most nights, I'm pretty wiped out after getting the girls to bed (Joe works nights). I'm going to try to write more regularly, even if it's just something short. I start to forget a lot of stuff as the week goes on.

More random things. The girls, Joe and I went to Lakewood Mall last week, and in addition to riding the carousel, we also went upstairs to the Food Court where there's a play area. I love the area because it's like Claes Oldenburg for little kids. Sophie loved it. Chloe had fun, too, but mostly had to hang out on the watermelon or play in the soda cup. No climbing the banana or running across the hot dog for her.

Another nice thing upstairs at Lakewood Mall is the family restroom area. Once you go in through the fancy glass door, there's a lounge that resembles those areas airlines have at airports for their club members, only without the snack table of sodas, mini juices and individually wrapped cookies. Then, there's a nursing room (nice!) and two other rooms which are large bathrooms that have what Sophie declared to be a Mommy potty and a Boppy potty! (The Boppy potty is a miniature version of the regular toilet, side-by-side and very low to the ground.) There were even side-by-side Mommy and Boppy sinks. OK, maybe miniature toilets and sinks aren't most people's idea of cute, but we got a kick out of them. A bathroom made for parents and kids is always high on my list.

Catching up on the week

2008-05-16T01:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, another week is flying by. I do enjoy each day with the girls, but I have to admit, a lot of times, I'm thinking about how I can just get through the day to have time at night to do stuff without the kids. My mind is often thinking about what needs to be done and when am I ever going to get to it. With the first baby, I didn't worry if I let things go for a while, but now with baby two, I got stuff to get done! Life is very different with an extra kid. It's all work this time around. But maybe I shouldn't blame Chloe, life is more challenging this time around, too.

I actually took some time today to stare at Chloe and admire her smile. I know this doesn't mean much because I'm her mom, but gosh, Chloe sure is cute. Even with no hair. Or maybe I should say especially with no hair. While I was staring at her, I was thinking about how as the second-born, she's not surrounded by as much excitement as Sophie was. I mean, I remember everything about Sophie: when and where she first started crawling, her first steps, the first time she actually walked, her first plane ride. I don't know if I'm going to remember that stuff for Chloe. She went on her first plane ride and I didn't even realize it until later. I have no clue when Chloe started crawling, she just was one day. But maybe that's how it is with more than one kid. It doesn't mean I love Chloe any less. So remember that, Chloe, when you ask me someday why there aren't so many photos of you. I love you every bit as much as I do your sister, but our digital camera went kaput a few months after you were born (honest!).

So Saturday was the PT basketball tournament, which replaced the annual company softball tournament. Joe played with the Torrance crew, the night desk that got shipped out to work at the Torrance Daily Breeze. Sophie, Chloe and I met him at Wardlow Park to watch the games, but Sophie and I got hung up at the playground next to the court (it had seesaws). Chloe slept in her stroller. When we finally did get a chance to sit on the sidelines and watch, Joe was playing on the half court at the opposite end, so we watched the news reporters play instead. I might have known more of the people on that team anyway, but maybe not. I think I officially belong to a previous PT era, the pre-Arco building PT. I've been away from the PT since 2005, which doesn't sound like that long ago, but it seems a lot can change at the PT in just three years. For one, as I mentioned earlier, the night desks are in Torrance now. I'm still shocked by that. Had I still been working at the PT, I would have been shlepping myself out to Torrance every day. That is, if they didn't lay me off. Good thing I left. Although which is worse, those days when I was the only person rimming on the copy desk (Arlene, stop giggling) or having to drive out to Torrance every day? Anyway, Joe's team, the X-Press (get it?), finished fifth out of six teams. They beat the news reporters in the consolation-consolation round. The girls and I didn't stay for that game, although it would have been our favorite to watch, because we had to head out to a birthday party.

Phoebe, a friend of Sophie's, turned five on Tuesday. Five. I remember when she was born, and now she's a big girl. Not a big girl like Sophie is a big girl, but whole new age bracket big girl. Yikes, that's what five years looks like when you have children to measure the time. I can't imagine Sophie at five, and certainly not Gumball, AKA Chloe. Three and five seem miles apart, although I guess so do one and three.

Sophie sort of kept to herself at the birthday party. She wanted to play in the giant bounce house, but was a little scared of the bigger kids, so she waited until cake time before slipping into the empty bouncer. She had the bounce house all to herself and was bouncing to her heart's content. I think she wanted to bounce with her friend Maxine, but there were always too many older kids in there. Chloe, of course, hung out in the Bjorn or played inside on the floor with Maxine.

Also at the party was a woman making balloon animals for the kids, which was a big hit, at least with Sophie. The kids all stood on line and asked for swords or teddy bears or baby elephants, and Sophie was fascinated. So much so that she later asked me to learn how to make balloon animals so I could make them for her. So I'll have to remember to do a wikiHow search when I have the time. Sophie asked for a teddy bear. She still has it, although the head popped and it sort of looks like a firefly now.

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

That's my mom to the left. I hope she doesn't mind that I posted her picture, but I think she deserves a photo in a post on Mother's Day. Plus, her birthday is in a couple of days. It seems to fall on Mother's Day more often than you'd think, so it's a good year when she can have two special days instead of just one mega day. The picture was taken in Oakland last month after her third grandchild was born. She took time off to visit, and while we were there, she was able to spend time with all three of her grandchildren.

Today seems like a pretty natural day to think about mothers. I actually started thinking about moms yesterday while I was at a birthday party for the daughter of some friends, Matt and Brittany. Brittany’s mom, Monica, was one of the first persons I spoke to when Sophie, Chloe and I arrived (Joe met up with us later after his PT basketball game). She mentioned how big Chloe had gotten since the last time she saw her which was when Chloe was four days old. So many thoughts filled my head at that moment and I immediately wanted to give Monica a hug. (I didn’t, though, because I had Chloe in her carrier in one hand, Sophie’s hand in my other, a diaper bag on my back, and I hadn’t showered that morning.) Monica, along with Matt and Brittany, had helped Joe and me out during a time when we really needed help, just after I had given birth to Chloe.

I suffered a brain hemorrhage during delivery and didn’t realize it until after I had brought Chloe home from the hospital. While I was in the ICU, Matt and Monica watched the girls during the day so Joe could come visit me (we don’t have any family out here). It’s hard to think about that time without feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Even before I found myself back in the hospital, Matt and Brittany had watched Sophie that first night Chloe was born. To say I appreciated all they did to help is truly an understatement. I believe a mom’s strength lies in her ability to care for and protect her children, and when she can’t, I think she’s left with a feeling of great vulnerability. I worried more about my babies than I did my own health, which doesn’t make sense since I need my health to care for my babies. Luckily Matt, Brittany and Monica were there to help. They were amazing. My own mom always reminds me what great friends I have because I know she feels grateful that, while she was on a plane headed for Long Beach, someone was there to help her daughter before she could get there.

The bond a mother feels for her child is undeniable, of course, but what I’ve learned, now that I am a mother, is that the bond between moms can be just as strong. I imagine it must be similar to the connection soldiers going through boot camp together feel, not for all moms, you know, but most. Sorry, I'm sure this all sounds very trite. But I do think the world changes when you become a mom, not because the world is any different, but because you are. Suddenly moms everywhere become allies just because we know what it's like. There is that breed of competitive moms out there, and I'm glad I don't know many like that. I'm grateful to all the moms I know, especially my own, because they've all taught me something that's enriched my life somehow. And seeing Monica today reminded me how special moms are, to help out a friend of her daughter's simply because I was another mom who needed help.

OK, I'm very tired, but I wanted to type a few of my thoughts before going to bed. The day was a big one and very looong. So, I'll write more about it later.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma! I love you and am glad we've been able to share more since we have that much more in common. And Happy Mother's Day, Arlene, and to all the other moms out there.