Ready or not, I think it's time

A year ago today, I went on my first official post-divorce date with someone I met at the Dwell show. It went super well. Maybe too well. Because the four months that followed were filled with all of the romantic and neurotic underpinnings of a long-term relationship. When you're 18. In fact, the word combustible comes to mind.

But that's where I was. My dating baseline is pretty lousy. The fact that I separate my dates into "official" and "nonofficial" categories probably underscores that fact. I've been on maybe only five official first dates since hitting puberty (one was just to be nice). Mr. Dwell was number four. Obviously, I feel more comfortable going on those casual, nonofficial let's-pretend-I'm-not-really-trying-to-determine-your-boyfriend-potential-although-I-really-am kind of dates. Less stress, fewer expectations, and you can wear flip-flops. But I suppose every once in a while, a single girl needs to know whether she's still capable of securing that second date. Even when she's older than, well, let's say, 30-something+. And divorced. With two kids. And lots of baggage. From a 13-year relationship. With stats like those, reentering the dating field is kind of like going back to school to get an associate's degree after already earning a master's. Which is, um, also something I'm currently doing.

So yeah, Mr. Dwell, not a match. But an important teaching point. That short-lived relationship taught me the difference between falling for a person and falling for a relationship. We had a great time together, but I realized that he wasn't the right person for me. Or maybe I wasn't the right person for him. We connected on all sorts of levels, but it just wasn't right. Like my marriage, I felt as if we valued the relationship more than we valued each other. Not a mistake I want to make again. So I moved on, but not without the help of some super friends and family who patiently listened to me prattle on about my dating hiccups. (Thanks.)

Official date number five, um, isn't someone I want to talk about yet. But he's made me want to write this post. Not because I'm ready to put my dating life out in the open, but because it's become something important enough for me to want to somehow acknowledge. By writing about it here, in this blog that very few people read. Very, very few people. But that someday, if it's still around, my daughters may stumble upon and read (don't know how I feel about that yet, but I still have some time). And that my ex may read, and possibly use against me somehow to make my difficult life even more difficult. That's my biggest fear. But I'm hoping enough time has passed for the old wounds to heal, leaving us to think about the future instead of the past. More than three years have passed since Joe first left, and even though I experienced a lot of growing pains during that time, at least I did grow. I trust Joe has, as well.

So, I'm still trying to get the hang of this whole post-divorce dating thing. It's both a lot harder and a lot easier than dating as a single-never-been-married, childless 20-something year old. Why it's a lot harder is pretty obvious. Why it's a lot easier is because when you have little ones to think about, you develop a keener sense of whether to stay in or get out. So if you want to date a single mom parent, know that you're going to be put through one test after another until she that person trusts you enough with, not just her that person's heart and feelings, but with the hearts and feelings of the kids involved. The tests aren't hard, but if you fail, you fail. It's pretty straight-forward. I can't really tell you what happens if you succeed. I'm not there yet.

But I can tell you where I am. Believe it or not, after taking so many of these baby steps, I think I've finally reached the next milestone. I'm going to finally admit that someone important has stepped into my chaotic world.