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| Chloe on her birthday. 07.02.09 |
10 July 2009
01 July 2009
A visit to my hometown
OK, summer is here, and we're off and running. The girls and I just returned from a trip to my hometown to see my mom. The trip was long overdue. The last time I visited was when I was 6 months pregnant with Sophie. And even then it was only for three or four days. So it was definitely good to be back. We were there for nine days, which I thought could have been a bit long for the girls to be away from home, but it was actually too short. The girls wanted to stay longer. So did I. It was a good trip. Plus, I saw a couple of friends and caught up a bit, which was a nice bonus.
Being with the girls in the house I sort of grew up in was a lot of fun. One of the first things Sophie noticed when she walked into my old bedroom was a photo of me when I was maybe five or six years old. Sophie said, “Hey, that's me!” I’m very familiar with the photo, but I never quite noticed the resemblance until Sophie pointed it out. Sophie also started asking Amah all sorts of questions about what I was like as a little girl. Apparently I was a lot like Chloe, wanting to do everything my older siblings were doing, but not quite having the skills to master those things. C'mon, isn't that pretty much standard for all younger siblings?
So, according to Sophie, the three highlights of the trip were the playground at Tilles Park, the marble run at a toy store in the Galleria, and catching fireflies.
The playground was her absolute favorite. There was just so much to do: popjets, giant xylophones, jungle gyms with built-in marble games and race tracks, two-tiered bridges with a telescope on the top tier, a standing spinner thing, a standing bouncer thing, a rock wall, carriage swings, you name it, the park had it. We went to that playground practically every day since it was just down the street. Even in the sweltering 98ยบ heat.
One of Chloe's favorite things during the trip was her green lollipop, which was actually a very realistic-looking hairpin. She played with the lollipop whenever she sat on the potty chair, which was fairly often. Potty training went super well at Amah's house. A few days she kept her diaper completely dry. She even wore underwear one day. Amah was super supportive, which helped a great deal. Chloe liked Amah taking her to the potty. I think if we were there for a couple more weeks, Chloe would have had it down. But she did great. Hopefully she'll have it down by the time she starts preschool in the fall. But I imagine that's not a hard and fast rule. I can't believe all of the other kids will be potty ready. But who knows? Chloe will probably be the one of the youngest, if not the youngest, in her class. She turns two tomorrow.
Ok, my arm is killing me. RSI. It hurts to type, so you'll just have to ask me how the rest of the trip went.
Being with the girls in the house I sort of grew up in was a lot of fun. One of the first things Sophie noticed when she walked into my old bedroom was a photo of me when I was maybe five or six years old. Sophie said, “Hey, that's me!” I’m very familiar with the photo, but I never quite noticed the resemblance until Sophie pointed it out. Sophie also started asking Amah all sorts of questions about what I was like as a little girl. Apparently I was a lot like Chloe, wanting to do everything my older siblings were doing, but not quite having the skills to master those things. C'mon, isn't that pretty much standard for all younger siblings?
So, according to Sophie, the three highlights of the trip were the playground at Tilles Park, the marble run at a toy store in the Galleria, and catching fireflies.
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| Tilles Park. 06.18.09 |
One of Chloe's favorite things during the trip was her green lollipop, which was actually a very realistic-looking hairpin. She played with the lollipop whenever she sat on the potty chair, which was fairly often. Potty training went super well at Amah's house. A few days she kept her diaper completely dry. She even wore underwear one day. Amah was super supportive, which helped a great deal. Chloe liked Amah taking her to the potty. I think if we were there for a couple more weeks, Chloe would have had it down. But she did great. Hopefully she'll have it down by the time she starts preschool in the fall. But I imagine that's not a hard and fast rule. I can't believe all of the other kids will be potty ready. But who knows? Chloe will probably be the one of the youngest, if not the youngest, in her class. She turns two tomorrow.
Ok, my arm is killing me. RSI. It hurts to type, so you'll just have to ask me how the rest of the trip went.
26 June 2009
Oh what happy days!
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| Tilles Park, Ladue, MO. Where a promise is a promise. |
Watching my daughters sleep with their jar of fireflies sitting on the nightstand.
Wearing a new push-up bra. (And tossing out the old nursing bras!)
Coming through on a promise.
Learning something from someone with a lot of patience.
Seeing that lovely face again.
14 June 2009
Still my sweet baby
Lately Chloe has been getting upset. Usually because she wants me to do one thing and Sophie wants me to do another. I try to take turns with them, however, that doesn't always work. Particularly not since Chloe has learned the word "now," which she says more like "NOW!" with a little growl. And when I can't do what she wants "NOW!" she gets upset. It actually can be very cute. I had seen bits of it before, such as that day she begrudgingly packed the overnight bag to go to Joe's. She wrinkled her nose and started muttering something in cavebaby as she grabbed everything she saw around her to stuff into the bag. It was a bit like the scene from the movie "The Jerk," where Steve Martin is leaving the house and stopping to take random objects from around the room with him as he goes. That's what she was doing. And even though it's cute to watch her pout sometimes, I still hate to see her so upset. Plus, Chloe takes a bit longer to calm down than I remember Sophie ever taking during that stage. Holding her, rubbing her back, stroking her hair and giving her kisses all seem to help, though. I think sometimes she just craves more mommy-time, more attention, more affection. She's still my baby after all. How long are the terrible twos supposed to last?
31 May 2009
To answer your question
Someone asked me the other night what I like to do for fun. My mind was focused on other things so I never got around to answering. To be honest, I didn't know what to say. And he wasn't the first to ask me that question. Another friend had asked me the exact thing several weeks earlier, and I had no clue what to say then either. It's a simple question. I should have known the answer. But I didn't.
What do I like to do for fun? It's easy for me to say I'm a single mom so I don't have time for fun. But that's not true. There are ways to make time. It's also easy to say I spend time with the girls, and that's fun. But that's a different type of fun. That's me as a mom, not me as me. Truth is, it's been so long since I've been just "me" that I'm really not sure what I like to do anymore.
For years I've been defining myself as a wife and mother. So most of what I did for fun was mom stuff (no explanation needed) or whatever Joe liked to do, namely, play games, watch games, or talk about games. All preferably while drinking beer. Joe liked to call himself the Fun Czar, and that actually described him very well. No surprise our marriage was extremely competitive and kind of boring for someone not interested in constant competition. I do like to do all those things, sure, while drinking beer even, but not with the same incessant fervor as Joe, which was pretty much a requirement. So to figure out what I like to do for fun, I have to reach back to my New York days and maybe even further back to my college days. So here goes, even though neither of the people who asked will probably see this:
I like sitting in a coffeeshop or at a bar having interesting conversations with people I want to know better. I like hitting the galleries or bookstores or a club to learn something new about art, in all its forms. I like discussing something I've just read with someone who's not afraid to say she also didn't like whatever book is currently atop the bestseller lists. I actually love discussing anything with anyone who has an actual opinion, even, or maybe especially, if it's not the same as my own. In other words, I guess what I find fun is connecting with people or ideas in whatever setting is the most conducive at the time. Is that answer a cop out? I also like to eat good food.
It's funny, when I lived in New York, I used to be able to go into a bar and strike up a lively conversation with anyone. I remember going to a press event and meeting some regional president for this group and telling him exactly how I would have promoted his product differently. He pulled out a chair for me, gave me his card, and asked me to come work for him. I can recall interesting bilingual conversations with shift workers riding the subway home at 4 in the morning. A pizza maker shook my hand very warmly when we arrived at our stop and parted ways on the platform. What happened to those days? They were fun.
I guess out here, I became much more reserved, which actually isn't all that uncharacteristic of me. I mostly listened to Joe talk about whatever it was he usually talked about. Nothing wrong with that. He took over conversations because he enjoyed being the center of attention, and I didn't. No competition there. But obviously, after a while, those evenings weren't that much fun, no matter what else we were doing. I guess shunning attention isn't the same as not wanting to share what's on my mind. And listening to someone talk isn't always the same as connecting with that person.
One of my biggest fears of this divorce is becoming bitter. Hard to have fun when you're full of bitterness. I'm doing my best to not let that happen. I can't blame anyone for why things changed out here for me. People are just different in different environments. Subtle changes can be enough to influence different behavior. Sometimes we thrive, sometimes we flounder. I'm hoping to find that subtle change that will allow me to thrive. (Divorce, though not subtle, hopefully helps!) Like everyone, I do want to have fun. So it's up to me to figure out that change, the same way I figured out what it is I like to do for fun.
ps. I added some photos of the girls here.
What do I like to do for fun? It's easy for me to say I'm a single mom so I don't have time for fun. But that's not true. There are ways to make time. It's also easy to say I spend time with the girls, and that's fun. But that's a different type of fun. That's me as a mom, not me as me. Truth is, it's been so long since I've been just "me" that I'm really not sure what I like to do anymore.
For years I've been defining myself as a wife and mother. So most of what I did for fun was mom stuff (no explanation needed) or whatever Joe liked to do, namely, play games, watch games, or talk about games. All preferably while drinking beer. Joe liked to call himself the Fun Czar, and that actually described him very well. No surprise our marriage was extremely competitive and kind of boring for someone not interested in constant competition. I do like to do all those things, sure, while drinking beer even, but not with the same incessant fervor as Joe, which was pretty much a requirement. So to figure out what I like to do for fun, I have to reach back to my New York days and maybe even further back to my college days. So here goes, even though neither of the people who asked will probably see this:
I like sitting in a coffeeshop or at a bar having interesting conversations with people I want to know better. I like hitting the galleries or bookstores or a club to learn something new about art, in all its forms. I like discussing something I've just read with someone who's not afraid to say she also didn't like whatever book is currently atop the bestseller lists. I actually love discussing anything with anyone who has an actual opinion, even, or maybe especially, if it's not the same as my own. In other words, I guess what I find fun is connecting with people or ideas in whatever setting is the most conducive at the time. Is that answer a cop out? I also like to eat good food.
It's funny, when I lived in New York, I used to be able to go into a bar and strike up a lively conversation with anyone. I remember going to a press event and meeting some regional president for this group and telling him exactly how I would have promoted his product differently. He pulled out a chair for me, gave me his card, and asked me to come work for him. I can recall interesting bilingual conversations with shift workers riding the subway home at 4 in the morning. A pizza maker shook my hand very warmly when we arrived at our stop and parted ways on the platform. What happened to those days? They were fun.
I guess out here, I became much more reserved, which actually isn't all that uncharacteristic of me. I mostly listened to Joe talk about whatever it was he usually talked about. Nothing wrong with that. He took over conversations because he enjoyed being the center of attention, and I didn't. No competition there. But obviously, after a while, those evenings weren't that much fun, no matter what else we were doing. I guess shunning attention isn't the same as not wanting to share what's on my mind. And listening to someone talk isn't always the same as connecting with that person.
One of my biggest fears of this divorce is becoming bitter. Hard to have fun when you're full of bitterness. I'm doing my best to not let that happen. I can't blame anyone for why things changed out here for me. People are just different in different environments. Subtle changes can be enough to influence different behavior. Sometimes we thrive, sometimes we flounder. I'm hoping to find that subtle change that will allow me to thrive. (Divorce, though not subtle, hopefully helps!) Like everyone, I do want to have fun. So it's up to me to figure out that change, the same way I figured out what it is I like to do for fun.
ps. I added some photos of the girls here.
23 May 2009
Sometimes all I can do is wish...
Sigh. The problem with being done with the semester is that now my nights are free. Sort of. I have a lot of stuff to do that my studies let me ignore. Important stuff that needs to get done, sooner rather than later. Problem is, I don't feel like doing any of it, even though I know I have to. Divorce paperwork, financial aid forms, taxes. All things that force me to think about things I don't want to think about. When Sophie used to ask me why Daddy didn't live with us, I always told her because he and I grew apart, which caused us to fight a lot, and we don't want to fight anymore. One day she asked me the question and surprised me by answering it herself: "Because Daddy doesn't like you." I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't. But I remember thinking, wow, at three she already knows what took me years to figure out. I dread those moments. I dread thinking about this divorce. I wish we could just handle it like they do in the movies, just sign a few papers and it's all over. That would be great. But I know there's more to it. And I know it's up to me to get the stuff done. As quickly as possible. So why am I dragging my feet?With classes over until August, I try to keep myself focused by thinking about the girls. I often write about them having to adjust to the divorce, but really, I think I'm having a more difficult time with it. And not because I don't want it to happen. But because it's unpleasant. Divorce can finally bring out the truth, which is rarely pretty. And even though it's something you may have long suspected, it's still hard to accept. I wish I could erase some stuff from my mind like in that Charlie Kaufman movie, but only temporarily to help me get through these proceedings. I don't actually want to lose the memories, just the hurt. Is that possible? I wish it were.
15 May 2009
My thoughts, like 'em or not
First of all, in my last post I should have mentioned that it was my mom's birthday. That was one of the reasons I logged on to post! Sorry, Ma. Happy birthday! (We did speak in person twice that day, so I'm not a derelict daughter.) But I wanted to say, Ma, you absolutely amaze me! As Sophie always says to me, I'm so happy you're my mom.
So the girls are at Joe's this weekend. They just left a short while ago. The house gets eerily quiet when they're gone. If not for all the phone calls, I think I could probably make it through the weekend without talking. Which is something, because as you probably know, I like to talk!
There's been a lot on my mind lately, but I've been dragging my feet writing it all down. (I have lots of important tasks to get done, also, which I've been dreading as well.) It's hard sometimes to put down what I truly have on my mind because I know not all of my readers wish me well. And why they continue to check in, I don't know. Missing something in their lives, I imagine. But I need a place to put my thoughts, so I'm going to stop giving a rat's ass about who's reading (well, except my mom. Sorry again, Ma, I meant rat's behind) and say what I want.
Right now, one of the hardest things for me out here is the isolation. As any stay-at-home parent can attest, taking care of kids all day long can be isolating enough. But when you factor in the divorce, having no family out here, and that I've lost quite a few friends due to the divorce, it's very isolating. I moved out here for one reason. Yes, it was my decision, and no, I don't regret it. But unfortunately that one reason isn't a reason anymore. But I have a fondness for this town now, and despite being pretty much alone out here with the girls, I want to stay. So I have to work on the friendships I have left. And build new ones.
Today I talked to a mom whom I absolutely have always adored. She has a great spirit and her kids are terrific. Talking to her made me feel better about my situation, particularly since I learned today that she's remarried. So, yes, I can do this. I just need to be patient. It's hard, though, for sure. When I see Chloe packing her stuff in a bag to take to Joe's, as if it's just an ordinary thing kids do, it breaks my heart.
But my girls are tough. They came from me, so I know they'll survive. Some days I know the adjustment is hard for them, and all I can do is offer them compassion. And I've found compassion is all it takes. Chloe likes to hold my hand through the crib bars when she goes to sleep. I don't think I'm teaching her bad habits, as someone accused me of doing. I'm showing her compassion. A little extra attention isn't a bad thing. I wish I could give the girls even more. I honestly believe their lives are better now, and my life is better, and I'm pretty sure Joe's is better. So I just have to tell my heart that, and accept the fact that there's a lot of stuff that's going to make my heart ache, especially in its tender state right now. Which reminds me of something else on my mind.
The world of dating is not something I want to dip my toes into for quite some time. The divorce is pretty far from being final, and I have too much to take care of right now, and for the next few years to come. Plus, I don't know if I'll really be able to give my heart away a second time. But this past week, I was talking to someone who actually made me feel desirable again, so I think maybe years down the line, it could be a possibility. The person wanted to know if I had been thinking about him, and I had been because it was a nice diversion whenever I was feeling bored or stressed. (He is awfully cute and has accomplished something amazing in his life already. And he'd probably kill me if he knew I was writing this, but no one really knows I know him, and he doesn't know I have this site, so I think I'm safe.) Anyway, friends may even be too generous a word for what we are. We're two people who first met under different circumstances, had a few conversations and told each other the truth about a few things. But for my part, and I think really for his part, too, there's no desire for anything beyond that for particular reasons (no, he's not married). But I am grateful to him because he did something he'll probably never know he did. He made me realize I don't need to keep a wall around my heart anymore. And I don't want to.
So the girls are at Joe's this weekend. They just left a short while ago. The house gets eerily quiet when they're gone. If not for all the phone calls, I think I could probably make it through the weekend without talking. Which is something, because as you probably know, I like to talk!
There's been a lot on my mind lately, but I've been dragging my feet writing it all down. (I have lots of important tasks to get done, also, which I've been dreading as well.) It's hard sometimes to put down what I truly have on my mind because I know not all of my readers wish me well. And why they continue to check in, I don't know. Missing something in their lives, I imagine. But I need a place to put my thoughts, so I'm going to stop giving a rat's ass about who's reading (well, except my mom. Sorry again, Ma, I meant rat's behind) and say what I want.
Right now, one of the hardest things for me out here is the isolation. As any stay-at-home parent can attest, taking care of kids all day long can be isolating enough. But when you factor in the divorce, having no family out here, and that I've lost quite a few friends due to the divorce, it's very isolating. I moved out here for one reason. Yes, it was my decision, and no, I don't regret it. But unfortunately that one reason isn't a reason anymore. But I have a fondness for this town now, and despite being pretty much alone out here with the girls, I want to stay. So I have to work on the friendships I have left. And build new ones.
Today I talked to a mom whom I absolutely have always adored. She has a great spirit and her kids are terrific. Talking to her made me feel better about my situation, particularly since I learned today that she's remarried. So, yes, I can do this. I just need to be patient. It's hard, though, for sure. When I see Chloe packing her stuff in a bag to take to Joe's, as if it's just an ordinary thing kids do, it breaks my heart.
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| El Dorado Park, 04.24.09 |
The world of dating is not something I want to dip my toes into for quite some time. The divorce is pretty far from being final, and I have too much to take care of right now, and for the next few years to come. Plus, I don't know if I'll really be able to give my heart away a second time. But this past week, I was talking to someone who actually made me feel desirable again, so I think maybe years down the line, it could be a possibility. The person wanted to know if I had been thinking about him, and I had been because it was a nice diversion whenever I was feeling bored or stressed. (He is awfully cute and has accomplished something amazing in his life already. And he'd probably kill me if he knew I was writing this, but no one really knows I know him, and he doesn't know I have this site, so I think I'm safe.) Anyway, friends may even be too generous a word for what we are. We're two people who first met under different circumstances, had a few conversations and told each other the truth about a few things. But for my part, and I think really for his part, too, there's no desire for anything beyond that for particular reasons (no, he's not married). But I am grateful to him because he did something he'll probably never know he did. He made me realize I don't need to keep a wall around my heart anymore. And I don't want to.
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