Getting out and getting better

I had an amazing weekend.

Let me just start by saying the holidays are here. They were getting me down at first, because let's face it, even though I've always loved this time of year, it can be tough on someone going through divorce. And even tougher when you're a single mom. There's a lot I need to pull together to make Christmastime feel like, well, Christmastime for the girls. And doing that stuff alone is a big reminder of how different things are now.

The girls love having the family together. So they aren't always thrilled going back and forth between homes, which makes it hard to see them go every other weekend. I miss them, particularly with the holidays here. So to get through these quiet weekends, I decided to do something to keep my mind busy (with something other than schoolwork). I signed up to volunteer as many hours as I could for this organization, which I mentioned earlier here. The good folks there help inspire kids to write by offering all sorts of creative workshops and after-school tutoring. So far, it's been fun helping out, and if this past week is any indication, it's definitely filled me with holiday cheer.

One of the things I like about helping the group is that I'm doing something for the kids, sure, but really, I am doing something for myself. I'm returning to the belief that pushed me into grad school — that encouraging kids to write will change the world. Yeah, I used to think on such a grand scale. And I still believe in that idea. So I admire what the group is doing, and at the same time, I'm sort of, well, saving myself.

When divorce first became a reality, I guess I had this belief that I needed someone to save me. Someone to help me get my life back to *normal* so I could keep moving forward from roughly where I left off. For nearly a year, or maybe even more than a year, I expected that person to come in the form of a new partner or a new BFF. But that's silly, right? I realize that now. I think it is just something many newly single moms go through. I mean, I do need someone to rescue me, but that person isn't a man. It's me. And working with this group has allowed me to see that. I found a little pocket of Los Angeles that I could make my own, and I'm using it to revive that person I once was before I met Joe.

Which is another reason I enjoy volunteering. Echo Park, where I've mostly been going, is an area of the city that I'm exploring on my own. It reminds me a bit of some areas in Brooklyn or of Wicker Park in Chicago, and I have a friend familiar with the Eastside who can help me figure out some of its eccentricities. Also, and this is a major plus, it forces me to drive. Every time I get off the 101 at exit 4A, I feel proud of myself. As a onetime New Yorker, driving out here made me anxious. The freeways were intimidating. But the more I drive, the less bothered I'm becoming. And it helps immensely that to get to the Eastside, I can take the 710 to the 5 to the 101 and stay in the left lanes when I get to the interchanges. Yes! Seriously, getting over my driving anxiety is so big, it probably deserves its own post. It's what has helped me get out more and make the most of my weekends without the girls.

So this weekend I not only helped out with some workshops for the kids, but I also volunteered to work downtown at the Unique LA holiday show, which featured hundreds of independent artists and designers showcasing their stuff. Think etsy.com crammed into little booths. It was fun. I didn't have as much time as I had hoped to shop, but I still enjoyed being there.

Later that afternoon, I had plans with friends to check out some homes that were participating in a tour of eco-friendly residences on the Eastside. The home designed and built by a couple of my sister's friends was part of the tour, which is why I decided to go. (Their home was just featured in the L.A. Times.) I'm really glad I did that. I love seeing beautiful homes, even though we only managed to see three of the ten on the tour. But that provided enough inspiration. Someday, I'll get that work started on Weatherwood.

The last highlight of this weekend I wanted to mention was participating in the Belmont Shore Christmas Parade. Joe and I pulled the girls in the wagon while we walked with other families from the girls' preschool. The girls did get a little squirmy riding in the wagon together that many hours (parade rules), which created a bit of stress, but it all worked out in the end. I think the girls enjoyed having the family together. And I enjoyed being able to spend some time with them during my off weekend. Plus, that parade has always gotten me in the holiday spirit. This year's was no exception.

So I think things are getting better. No, I KNOW things are getting better. Which is why my weekend was so amazing. I just hope this is something that lasts beyond the holidays.

Hooray for the weekend!

OK, I figured out how to upload a video, so here is one of Sophie bowling a few weeks ago. Sorry it isn't very clear. My phone isn't the best at capturing video. But you can still check out Sophie's moves.



This past week was pretty rough, with a couple of exams and some long hours on campus. This weekend couldn't have come soon enough for me. And the girls will be at Joe's, which means hopefully I'll have time to catch up on some sleep, get ahead in physio, take care of the house, read this book written by a guy I once turned down for coffee, and get up to Echo Park. Probably not in that order. I'll also be reliving a part of my youth at a show to celebrate the 20th anniversary of this album.

Trick-or-treat!

Just a quick update for now

I have a free moment to write down a few words, but only a few. Last week ended a little better than it started. The girls and I went with some friends to the pumpkin patch on Friday, so I'll try to post some of those pics, either here or on Shutterfly. It was fun, even though this year the girls didn't ride the ponies. Maybe we'll go back. There's still a week left before Halloween. I also wanted to post a quick video of Sophie bowling, but I think Blogger did away with its video uploading to make me use YouTube. So, if anyone knows of an easy non-YouTube way to post a video here, lemme know.

Another thing I've been up to is getting involved with a writing/tutoring project for kids in Venice and Echo Park. I'll tell you more later, because I'm just getting started, but so far, I love it. Unfortunately I don't have as much time to help out as I would like. And I thought I would be concentrating in the Echo Park area, which for some reason really appeals to me, but it's kind of fun going to the Venice area, too. The building is near where my sister used to live and work. So maybe I'll split my time. The drive is probably 30-40 minutes to either location (with little traffic), but it's nice to get out of Long Beach for a change. I feel as if I'm finally exploring other areas of Los Angeles, and I'm learning to enjoy where I live. I suppose it's only taken me ten years!

Still the dead one lay moaning

These past few weeks have been pretty rough for all sorts of reasons. I won't go into details here because typing them out isn't going to make me feel any better. I've been trying to "focus on the good things of life," as someone once suggested, and while it works the majority of the time, it gets tiring. Sometimes things come at me all at once, and the good things seem pretty distant. (Except for the girls. They rock my socks all the time.) I find myself trying so hard to stay positive, that it prevents me from reaching out and asking for help. Then things pile up, which makes it even harder to reach out. Having once defined myself as a poet, this work often comes to mind. (Skip to the end if you don't want to read Smith's commentary.)

I memorized that poem 23 years ago, and even wrote my college essay about it. I swore I would never let myself drown because I was too afraid to let people see what, or who, is under my mask. As a 17 year old, that seemed to be a perfectly reasonable goal to set. Having a bit more wisdom behind me now, I wonder if I'll ever accomplish it, especially since I'm not wearing just one mask, but several, as we all are. And I've piled on tons more in the past several months. Call it protective instinct. But I hate it. It just isn't me. I don't feel comfortable under all these layers, but removing them feels pretty scary right now. I want to try, though. Because nothing feels more invigorating than stripping yourself of all your masks and being able to stand with confidence before someone completely naked. That's why I write this blog. It doesn't produce quite the same feeling, but at least I can expose some of me through my thoughts.

I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is the fact that suddenly I have two identities: mother of two young children and single person. I find it's hard integrating the two. Of course, mother of two requires a sh*tload (sorry, ma) of responsibilities, so that role takes precedence right now. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but there are times when, as a single person staring at 40, I feel my life is passing me by. (This of course comes from the fact that I didn't particularly want to be single.) I tell myself I'll catch up to it once the girls are older and things are more settled, but will I? Will it be too late? Again, having kids is great, and I don't have a problem devoting my time to them now, but I don't want to end up the pathetic mom who has made her children her whole life, and is afraid to let them go because she has nothing else. That's not a mask I want to wear, although I can see how easy it would be. But there's a reason life isn't easy.

I know I've given this a bit too much thought. Life is what it is, and I should just enjoy it as it is, which is pretty good, right? Stay in the present. But sometimes I just need to know that my life hasn't left me behind. Or that I really will be able to catch up to it. Or just that somebody is listening. At this point in my life, I can't handle silence. Maybe that's hard to explain to anyone not going through what I've been going through. But you don't need to be a single mom to understand feeling lost and lonely. Yes, I have remained strong for myself and the girls, and yes, I believe in the power of being positive, but not at the risk of drowning.

School, school, soccer

It's been a while. I wish I had the energy and desire to write more, but right now I don't. School has been nonstop busy. I don't know how I'll be able to keep up, but I have to, so I will. So far, the misery of staying up late to study is paying off. But we'll see how the rest of the semester goes. I thought I'd have a bit more time to study when the girls are in preschool, but class time takes up six hours a day those days, and my mandatory parent volunteer hours at the preschool take up the rest of the time. But I keep telling myself, this should be a piece of cake compared to how the nursing program will go. Even if I manage to get in, I don't know how it'll be taking the full courseload of nursing classes. But no sense thinking about it now. Physiology comes first.

So, the girls so far have been getting adjusted to full-day preschool. Sophie enjoys it because she's made a new friend, but Chloe still dreads it. Once she's there, however, I think she does OK. Mostly when I see her, she's either standing by herself, or waiting for a teacher, and always with a melancholy look on her face. But I have spies who tell me Chloe gets a little spring in her step by the afternoon, dancing around and singing after naptime. She joins Sophie's class in the older kids' playground at the end of the day, so that makes her happy, also. The girls play together more, which is cute to see. Sophie used to ignore Chloe when they first started school, to the point that Chloe used to cry about it. But now, Sophie gets excited looking for Chloe so they can play together. It's a nice sister bond, which makes me happy the two have each other. It reminds me of how close my sister and I were growing up.

Another big thing that has been going on lately is Sophie starting soccer. Her team, the Purple Crush, just had its second game today. It was a tie. They all are because, for the 4/5 year-olds, the games are just about having fun. And Sophie does. She enjoys playing, although at any given moment, she is probably daydreaming more than playing. She has her Lucy van Pelt moments, for sure, but that's OK. Most of the other girls are really focused on playing, but they seem to all have older siblings who play. I think that makes a difference. But Sophie is still fun to watch, especially when she runs. She has this special-just-for-soccer gait that is a cross between a prance and a wobble, if you can picture that. If not, next week I'll try to capture it on video. It's cute. It really is.

Good start to the week

Wanted to share this song, which has always been one of my favorites from John Lennon's album Imagine. I hadn't heard it since I last saw the movie Rushmore on cable, so it was a nice surprise to find it included on a CD mix given to the girls at a birthday party we went to on Sunday for one of their friends. The first time I remember really appreciating this song was a long long time ago, and I remember wishing someone someday would sing a song like that to me. It's simple and quite lovely. The closest I've ever gotten was a poem written to me in Latin. Anyway, I've been in a good mood hearing the song again. It has reminded me that real love does exist, and if I'm patient, hopefully someday I'll find it.